Although part of my happiness is because I feel back on control of food/exercise and the like, a few people have surprised me this week by how supportive and kind they were. Having some calm reactions instead even when I get stressed out makes all the difference. I feel a thousand times better knowing I have a host of people who want to listen and be there…
In the last week I have truly been through a mental whirlwind. Right now is pressured in other ways and it seems to have brought my ed to let rip and make me feel like complete crap. I don ‘t want to exist unless I am thinner, yet at times I can be at peace with just knowing im on my way, others it tears me apart that it isnt now!! So confusing.
Part of me wants this to be over.. to be normal, to not be regularly on the brink or either a breakdown or a panic attack, but to me it appears that being thinner is a priority. My family find this mental self destruction unbearable, and although I totally agree at times, I badly yearn the control and perfection it tells me it brings.
Today, someone, who was an unlikely person to provide such relief, has given me a massive release from all of this. I am eternally grateful for the calmness, patience and practical approach of certain people like her.
I don’t know why, but I’m proud of anorexia.. I think it’s just because once that voice is there, I know for certain that I will get thinner and I will feel less guilty with less food inside of me. It’s not nonsense; it’s real. It’s like my own voice, but stronger and more powerful. I don’t want to let it go until I am thin enough. I let it go a bit, but all that happened was I feel like I would rather not exist and that everything and everyone would be much better off without me. I knew it hadn’t gone, but I’m so so happy that any thoughts of eating more than I want are gone… I thought if I did that I could just pretend everything was ok, but it got out of control and made me be sick and try and get rid of all the calories.
I am a better person like this and until I am thin enough I don’t want to let it go. I don’t care at all if it is bad to like the stupid label. It isn’t about having a label, it is about nobody thinking I’m fat (or even normal size).
I have suffered from anorexia for over a year.. after a short lived binge purge phase I am determined to lose the weight I gained and get back the control I once thrived on. So far so good today…
being hungry is worth it to be perfect.
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