back on the bandwagon

I don’t know why, but I’m proud of anorexia.. I think it’s just because once that voice is there, I know for certain that I will get thinner and I will feel less guilty with less food inside of me. It’s not nonsense; it’s real. It’s like my own voice, but stronger and more powerful. I don’t want to let it go until I am thin enough. I let it go a bit, but all that happened was I feel like I would rather not exist and that everything and everyone would be much better off without me. I knew it hadn’t gone, but I’m so so happy that any thoughts of eating more than I want are gone… I thought if I did that I could just pretend everything was ok, but it got out of control and made me be sick and try and get rid of all the calories.
I am a better person like this and until I am thin enough I don’t want to let it go. I don’t care at all if it is bad to like the stupid label. It isn’t about having a label, it is about nobody thinking I’m fat (or even normal size).

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