Do I love or hate my ed.. why am I so confused?

In the last week I have truly been through a mental whirlwind. Right now is pressured in other ways and it seems to have brought my ed to let rip and make me feel like complete crap. I don ‘t want to exist unless I am thinner, yet at times I can be at peace with just knowing im on my way, others it tears me apart that it isnt now!! So confusing.
Part of me wants this to be over.. to be normal, to not be regularly on the brink or either a breakdown or a panic attack, but to me it appears that being thinner is a priority. My family find this mental self destruction unbearable, and although I totally agree at times, I badly yearn the control and perfection it tells me it brings.
Today, someone, who was an unlikely person to provide such relief, has given me a massive release from all of this. I am eternally grateful for the calmness, patience and practical approach of certain people like her.