Help.

Yet again I am soon to have help. It feels like an enormous circle, where I have ended up infront of the same people but in an even worse situation. Part of me can’t believe all the time and energy I have wasted on being like this; the other part of me doesn’t believe I am that bad and thinks I should be thinner than I am by now.
I can barely put into words how terrifying the idea of being weighed is. I absolutely won’t do it until I am a certain weight.. and thatv won’t go on forever, I do actually have a point at which I have been weighed as before and so that would be fine. I feel sick just thinking about me. I just hope more than anything right now that I am offered help in spite of not being weighed. I can’t and will not do it- I will simply have a panic attack right then!
I do want help, I do want my life back, I do want to be happy. At the moment my anxiety levels cannot cope with the pressure of stepping on the scales and so I will not risk it… I don’t actually know what I would do if I got on there now. I think I would want to die. Doubt they would want that, so they won’t make me or turn me away as a result I hope…

….?

Well, the title is certainly what this week has left me feeling like! For the first time in my life, my worrying has not resulted in me doing really well and evryone saying “you needn’t have worried.” I guess I should be thinking that I’m no good and give up on what I want to do; but it was never a conscious decision. I believe that I was drawn to dancing, and working hard and (mostly grrrr) doing well is not a choice, it is the effect of being completely fascinated by something. 
I might not be the best in the whole world, as there will always be people better than me- but I know that I have determination and the desire to develop more than many others. Dancing is the best thing that I do in a day, something I think about always, something I dream about, something I analyse, choreography, write about..,
Having come to learn what rejection is like through a million and one auditions this year I am well aware that a dancing career is far from a straightforward journey. I couldn’t care less; difficulty is never an obstacle to me, it makes me push myself harder and have more pride in what I’ve done when I get there.
Today I stopped 2 panic attacks before they happened. I am so pleased, because the effect of panic is most certainly a factor in weakening my concentration and brain-muscle connection if I am dancing quite soon after. The support of somebody today has made me feel even more contentment at this step; encouragement from whom has helped me find more recognition and power over myself. This person has no obligation to do so but my admiration for them has meant that all the extra support I have been provided with has not gone amiss. 🙂
If I can carry on eating as I like, then I can keep the handle on the panic and make even more progress. Tomorrow I get to dance……. Cinders is going to the ball 😉  

 

I feel like writing in Spanish.. so yeh.

Ahora me siento llena de lagrimas. Quiero que toda sea mejor- que sea delgada, feliz y sin emociones de esta variedad.
En este momento, me siento culpable: 1. No debia que comer lo que he comido. 2. No pude vomitar muy bien.. :S
estoy un fracaso en todas maneras- cuerpo, con el pensamiento, con todo que me interesa. Nunca lo que hago es bastante.
Estoy cansadisima, llena de tristeza y quiero dormir. Sin embargo, no merezco la libertad de tratar a mi cuerpo con repsecto. No tengo el derecho de tener energia ni felicidad. En una manera, no quiero que sea diferente puesto que la sola cosa que debo fijar es mi peso, mi figura… LUEGO y solamente LUEGO puedo fijar el resto, 
Ahora me voy a permitir que sea aterrorrizada. No es importante. Es mejor que me siento mala porque estoy mala.
Buenas noches. 

Laughing always comes after crying

After the tears and stressing today, I know that people care about me. This doesn’t really change the facts, but the fact someone has chosen me- dfficult over what is easy has really touched me. Although a bit of me think it would be nicer to be away from everyone and not have to deal with what this does to my relationships and/or bear any comments, it is nice to know that I am not unloveable!!

te quiero bonito ❤ 

Hidden

It seems that nobody at all is able to take in everything that is going on with me. Right now, I don’t want to get better, ever. I want to keep on getting thinner, but the only thing that would ever be good enough would be 0 calories and 0 pounds.. and that means being dead! I hate anyone who thinks I am a normal size. Even the word normal makes me wanna throw up it is so disgusting. Being small is the most important thing, and although I rarely see myself as small, I do hope that those who tell me I am small aren’t lying.

I don’t have a clue why people care about me, but for those who do… thanks for letting me in to your average lives for me to crash in with my craziness ❤

A lot of the time now, I wish to be hidden- hiding the starving and over exercising, hiding myself, hiding my body, hiding from everything. I am so overwhelmed that I sometimes wish I could have break from absolutely eveything (minus dancing!) in my life because I can’t do it all some days. Things were easier when all of this was hidden. People didn’t ask questions, or make comments…..

I want to get better

I know that my pursuit to get thinner and thinner contradicts this, but it is true that I want my life back, I don’t want to be cold and dizzy and hungry or tired anymore. This time, for the last time I really do only have a couple of weeks until it is back to the doctors. I can’t put it off this time- she has even asked my mum how I am in order to try and pressure me to go! I will lose as much weight as I can before I go, because that is how I feel and I know I can’t change my perceptions on my own. Then, I am armed with a 2 page essay of how I really feel and what this is really doing to me, I will finally say the whole truth and not let the ed make me tell lies. I’m sure when I wake up the morning I will probably be in a different mindset, and go through times of not wanting to get better at all. But I do know that my real desire is to escape from this hole. It has taken some horrible breakdowns (of which there ared most certainly more!) for me to realise a small proportion of this for how it truly is. I am sure that those around me see it much more clearly and so their worry and concern is more justifiable than I think. 
Either way I want to balance being small with being stable – physically and in my brain! Therefore.. thinner here we come (or continue going technically..) but recovery here we come (soon at least)

“Believe in yourself and all that you are, know that there is something inside of you greater than any obstacle”Image 

Lauren Cuthbertson, Royal Ballet, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

She is an inspiration to me- beautiful, talented and so determined she overcome extreme  chronic fatigue to rise back into her dancing career. At one point, she could get out of bed for less than 2 minutes a day and now she is dancing for hours upon hours day in, day out. She may be tiny, but she certainly looks healthy too. THAT is how I want to be.