Help.

Yet again I am soon to have help. It feels like an enormous circle, where I have ended up infront of the same people but in an even worse situation. Part of me can’t believe all the time and energy I have wasted on being like this; the other part of me doesn’t believe I am that bad and thinks I should be thinner than I am by now.
I can barely put into words how terrifying the idea of being weighed is. I absolutely won’t do it until I am a certain weight.. and thatv won’t go on forever, I do actually have a point at which I have been weighed as before and so that would be fine. I feel sick just thinking about me. I just hope more than anything right now that I am offered help in spite of not being weighed. I can’t and will not do it- I will simply have a panic attack right then!
I do want help, I do want my life back, I do want to be happy. At the moment my anxiety levels cannot cope with the pressure of stepping on the scales and so I will not risk it… I don’t actually know what I would do if I got on there now. I think I would want to die. Doubt they would want that, so they won’t make me or turn me away as a result I hope…

Cinderella

BEAUTIFUL

….?

Well, the title is certainly what this week has left me feeling like! For the first time in my life, my worrying has not resulted in me doing really well and evryone saying “you needn’t have worried.” I guess I should be thinking that I’m no good and give up on what I want to do; but it was never a conscious decision. I believe that I was drawn to dancing, and working hard and (mostly grrrr) doing well is not a choice, it is the effect of being completely fascinated by something. 
I might not be the best in the whole world, as there will always be people better than me- but I know that I have determination and the desire to develop more than many others. Dancing is the best thing that I do in a day, something I think about always, something I dream about, something I analyse, choreography, write about..,
Having come to learn what rejection is like through a million and one auditions this year I am well aware that a dancing career is far from a straightforward journey. I couldn’t care less; difficulty is never an obstacle to me, it makes me push myself harder and have more pride in what I’ve done when I get there.
Today I stopped 2 panic attacks before they happened. I am so pleased, because the effect of panic is most certainly a factor in weakening my concentration and brain-muscle connection if I am dancing quite soon after. The support of somebody today has made me feel even more contentment at this step; encouragement from whom has helped me find more recognition and power over myself. This person has no obligation to do so but my admiration for them has meant that all the extra support I have been provided with has not gone amiss. 🙂
If I can carry on eating as I like, then I can keep the handle on the panic and make even more progress. Tomorrow I get to dance……. Cinders is going to the ball 😉  

 

I feel like writing in Spanish.. so yeh.

Ahora me siento llena de lagrimas. Quiero que toda sea mejor- que sea delgada, feliz y sin emociones de esta variedad.
En este momento, me siento culpable: 1. No debia que comer lo que he comido. 2. No pude vomitar muy bien.. :S
estoy un fracaso en todas maneras- cuerpo, con el pensamiento, con todo que me interesa. Nunca lo que hago es bastante.
Estoy cansadisima, llena de tristeza y quiero dormir. Sin embargo, no merezco la libertad de tratar a mi cuerpo con repsecto. No tengo el derecho de tener energia ni felicidad. En una manera, no quiero que sea diferente puesto que la sola cosa que debo fijar es mi peso, mi figura… LUEGO y solamente LUEGO puedo fijar el resto, 
Ahora me voy a permitir que sea aterrorrizada. No es importante. Es mejor que me siento mala porque estoy mala.
Buenas noches. 

Laughing always comes after crying

After the tears and stressing today, I know that people care about me. This doesn’t really change the facts, but the fact someone has chosen me- dfficult over what is easy has really touched me. Although a bit of me think it would be nicer to be away from everyone and not have to deal with what this does to my relationships and/or bear any comments, it is nice to know that I am not unloveable!!

te quiero bonito ❤ 

Hidden

It seems that nobody at all is able to take in everything that is going on with me. Right now, I don’t want to get better, ever. I want to keep on getting thinner, but the only thing that would ever be good enough would be 0 calories and 0 pounds.. and that means being dead! I hate anyone who thinks I am a normal size. Even the word normal makes me wanna throw up it is so disgusting. Being small is the most important thing, and although I rarely see myself as small, I do hope that those who tell me I am small aren’t lying.

I don’t have a clue why people care about me, but for those who do… thanks for letting me in to your average lives for me to crash in with my craziness ❤

A lot of the time now, I wish to be hidden- hiding the starving and over exercising, hiding myself, hiding my body, hiding from everything. I am so overwhelmed that I sometimes wish I could have break from absolutely eveything (minus dancing!) in my life because I can’t do it all some days. Things were easier when all of this was hidden. People didn’t ask questions, or make comments…..

I want to get better

I know that my pursuit to get thinner and thinner contradicts this, but it is true that I want my life back, I don’t want to be cold and dizzy and hungry or tired anymore. This time, for the last time I really do only have a couple of weeks until it is back to the doctors. I can’t put it off this time- she has even asked my mum how I am in order to try and pressure me to go! I will lose as much weight as I can before I go, because that is how I feel and I know I can’t change my perceptions on my own. Then, I am armed with a 2 page essay of how I really feel and what this is really doing to me, I will finally say the whole truth and not let the ed make me tell lies. I’m sure when I wake up the morning I will probably be in a different mindset, and go through times of not wanting to get better at all. But I do know that my real desire is to escape from this hole. It has taken some horrible breakdowns (of which there ared most certainly more!) for me to realise a small proportion of this for how it truly is. I am sure that those around me see it much more clearly and so their worry and concern is more justifiable than I think. 
Either way I want to balance being small with being stable – physically and in my brain! Therefore.. thinner here we come (or continue going technically..) but recovery here we come (soon at least)

“Believe in yourself and all that you are, know that there is something inside of you greater than any obstacle” 

Lauren Cuthbertson, Royal Ballet, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

She is an inspiration to me- beautiful, talented and so determined she overcome extreme  chronic fatigue to rise back into her dancing career. At one point, she could get out of bed for less than 2 minutes a day and now she is dancing for hours upon hours day in, day out. She may be tiny, but she certainly looks healthy too. THAT is how I want to be. 

whirlwind…

Feeling so many ups and downs of happiness, love, laughter, guilt, regret, sadness, anger ….. is quite tiring! After a really  HORRIBLE panic today, I am wanting to strangle the ed voice right now, but at the same time, I am planning my food for tomorrow. Thinner asap would solve everything it feels like.
As usual, I feel like a burden and a bad friend to those who have (yet again) had to help me today, but as always I am enormously grateful!!
The hatred I have of my body and the fear I have of being fat/not small enough is near on impossible to put into words but here goes:
Imagine a situation so terrifying that you would feel unable to move or do anything like a fire or your fear of heights and being made to jump off a plane etc… that is how important being thin is to me. As I never feel thin enough (despite being told I am bony and small enough already or too small or perfect how I am or I need to get some food down me blah blah blah)  I want to see my bones. The ones that are already prominent could be more so. Every time something is lose or I feel my bones a little more it is like winning   a prize. Unless someone calls me thin, I do not believe they think I am pretty and even when they do, they are probably lying. never mind.
Tomorrow will be perfectly food organised…

“The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it.” 

walking…

It is nighttime and and as usual I am exercising. I often think about my eating disorder when I am doing my obligatory walking. I am still very confused.. after seeing therapists and doctors and being told by quizzes and friends and family that I do have anorexia, an ed, a label, a part of me seems to want to make sure I am well and truly pigeon holed. As a result, some of me craves a focus onto my eating and all my other behaviours- purely because nobody who is anorexic is perceived by others to be fat. Attention seeking this may seem but at the root of this desire is two things: NUMBER ONE- an intense fear of ever being thought of as fat or even normal size (both of which indicate a bad, ugly and failure version of me) and NUMBER TWO- a counteracting voice that wishes to disguise my disorder as much as I can so that I an continue to be in control of my habits and not let them slip away. The third opinion in the matter has a somewhat smaller say in this things. This voice is the old me. This voice wants to be normal, free of these worries and happy. Unfortunately (for that voice and not anything else) thinness and control come far far higher in my priorities. There is someone close to me who is overweight, has never in my entire life been comfortable with this; while another close friend has always been very thin, very laid back, very content and successful. By means of association, I guess these 2 individuals have added to my own personal take on weight and happiness. 
Ever since I can remember hopping on the scales age 7 or so, my weight has never been ok. I have always feared getting bigger and never accepted growth as a legitimate reason for gaining even a pound. Right now, I am trying to focus on every day being as food and exercise perfect as possible, in the hope and aim of being as thin as possble before these holidays end. Then, I believe I only have a couple more weeks before going back, yet again for help. Will I even get help? Am I worth help? Am I “good” enough at my eating disorder for that? Well. The ed wants to carry on forever, but I want a compromise: getting thinner quickly, then get help and be able to have some ounce of normality back. I am sick to death of how exhausted and genuinely ill this makes me feel at times, yet I am torn between wanting to hold on to all this and let it go gladly. Fear traps me.

Basically,if my compromise plan works, I can hopefully be in a slightly less unstable mindset and physical state soon. Goodnight.  

Sometimes you need to cry.. <3

At the moment, the eating disorder voice makes me have so many inexplicable emotions. Sometimes all I know is that I need to cry, be there a clear cut reason or not. The quote epitomizes those who are closest to me and who continue to help me through everything.
Right now, some pretty happy-making and lovely change has come my way (love you if you are reading this btw!) and I do smile when I am with him. I smile too at funny things that happen with my friends… These small pleasures are lovely, and form numerous memories that I will treasure in my mind forever.

Someone once said that “everyday may not be good, but there will be good things about everyday” -this definitely stands true, while highlighting the fact that a lot of my days contain a lot of bad/difficult aspects. In fact, I know full well that everything has been spiralling for about 18 months, with some habits beginning long before that. To be honest I sometimes feel so entrenched in this anorexia bubble that my longing to be thin and in perfect control of everything makes me want to die.

I keep on hoping that on day I will just feel thin enough; yet every day remains about a battle, in which food is the enemy, and whatever I do or don’t eat I am the war victim. Tomorrow I will try again to win.

ten things I wish to be or do..
1)thin. This will make me better, in appearance and in state of mind. being empty and thinner always improves how I feel. I will look like a real dancer and prove to people that I’m not making up all this stuff.. it really is there
2)calm. I don’t want panic attacks, despite the fact that sometimes the attention from people I really need is gained this way, they are horrible and stressful. A whole day is put on edge by one and I feel guilt at taking people’s time.
3)dancer! I have never wanted anything more. I will work tirelessly to be the best I can. The confidence from being thinner will help me to focus solely on the dancing.
4) I wish not to eat more than 400’s in calories tomorrow. I always need these random extra low days to prove to myself I still have control. If I don’t I will feel worse and bad.. fingers crossed.
5) I hope to be as good a support to those who have helped me when they are in need- be that big or small
6)I wish to return to college after the holidays being a bit smaller.. as if anybody thinks I look bigger or even the same I will feel like a failure!
7)  I wish to be  a good child, even if I am in a mess, I hope that my family don’t hate me
8) I wish to enjoy the precious moments of laughter and happiness whatever else is going on
9) I hope that I get thin enough soon and can do things like sit with my family, with permission from the other voice
last but not least..
10) I wish that my Nanny knew how much I miss her xxx