Never thought I would say “I hate holidays..”

But I do.. I feel scared of just eating and feeling horribly guilty and fat as a result of lack of structure from term time. My family should be the people who I feel most comfortable talking to.. but they are far from that. In fact, however they feel about it, my perception is that our relationship has been twisted, torn and shaken by anorexia. I hate that, but I also don’t care- I selfishly know that their love as parents is pretty much unconditional, and so I allow the ed part of me to continue to reign. Wanting only to be thinner, I have reduced my calories further, but maintained my increased exercise schedule. The quicker I lose weight the better.. I am tired and emotional and sometimes headachey and dizzy. Atleast if I were thin, these symptoms would be more tolerable in knowing I am closer to perfect.
I have recently come to see somebody else with this “illness”- and all of a sudden, I was overwhelmed by how tired and pale they looked. I was appalled by how much of themselves they seem to have given up, but at the same time, I wished to look the same.
So many things every single day reinforce to me that yes, I do have a disorder as everyone says.. bizarrely however, this doesn’t matter. I am past caring most of the time, and being thin takes presidence over getting better, having more energy, more colour or more of a life to be honest.
All I hope right now is that I continue eating to culminate in a weight loss speed that pleases me. I do not return to college in any way but much much thinner. If I do as I desire, and the ed voice is happy, I will be temporarily contented. PLEASE OH PLEASE MAY I NOT RUIN THIS AND FEEL THE GUILT. I can’t deal with it!
I am increasingly grateful of those friends and teachers who are helping me hold it together, and being shoulders to cry on when I inevitably can’t handle the situation. Things may be pretty messed up, but I know for sure that they would be far far worse without those people. Even though most of them will never read this, THANK YOU. Words cannot express how much I need you, and how much I appreciate you for putting up with someone who has become almost a completely different person, who is depressive much of the time, or faking happiness to avoid tears. You are the best support I could have wished for ❤

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