At the moment, the eating disorder voice makes me have so many inexplicable emotions. Sometimes all I know is that I need to cry, be there a clear cut reason or not. The quote epitomizes those who are closest to me and who continue to help me through everything.
Right now, some pretty happy-making and lovely change has come my way (love you if you are reading this btw!) and I do smile when I am with him. I smile too at funny things that happen with my friends… These small pleasures are lovely, and form numerous memories that I will treasure in my mind forever.
Someone once said that “everyday may not be good, but there will be good things about everyday” -this definitely stands true, while highlighting the fact that a lot of my days contain a lot of bad/difficult aspects. In fact, I know full well that everything has been spiralling for about 18 months, with some habits beginning long before that. To be honest I sometimes feel so entrenched in this anorexia bubble that my longing to be thin and in perfect control of everything makes me want to die.
I keep on hoping that on day I will just feel thin enough; yet every day remains about a battle, in which food is the enemy, and whatever I do or don’t eat I am the war victim. Tomorrow I will try again to win.
ten things I wish to be or do..
1)thin. This will make me better, in appearance and in state of mind. being empty and thinner always improves how I feel. I will look like a real dancer and prove to people that I’m not making up all this stuff.. it really is there
2)calm. I don’t want panic attacks, despite the fact that sometimes the attention from people I really need is gained this way, they are horrible and stressful. A whole day is put on edge by one and I feel guilt at taking people’s time.
3)dancer! I have never wanted anything more. I will work tirelessly to be the best I can. The confidence from being thinner will help me to focus solely on the dancing.
4) I wish not to eat more than 400’s in calories tomorrow. I always need these random extra low days to prove to myself I still have control. If I don’t I will feel worse and bad.. fingers crossed.
5) I hope to be as good a support to those who have helped me when they are in need- be that big or small
6)I wish to return to college after the holidays being a bit smaller.. as if anybody thinks I look bigger or even the same I will feel like a failure!
7) I wish to be a good child, even if I am in a mess, I hope that my family don’t hate me
8) I wish to enjoy the precious moments of laughter and happiness whatever else is going on
9) I hope that I get thin enough soon and can do things like sit with my family, with permission from the other voice
last but not least..
10) I wish that my Nanny knew how much I miss her xxx