It is nighttime and and as usual I am exercising. I often think about my eating disorder when I am doing my obligatory walking. I am still very confused.. after seeing therapists and doctors and being told by quizzes and friends and family that I do have anorexia, an ed, a label, a part of me seems to want to make sure I am well and truly pigeon holed. As a result, some of me craves a focus onto my eating and all my other behaviours- purely because nobody who is anorexic is perceived by others to be fat. Attention seeking this may seem but at the root of this desire is two things: NUMBER ONE- an intense fear of ever being thought of as fat or even normal size (both of which indicate a bad, ugly and failure version of me) and NUMBER TWO- a counteracting voice that wishes to disguise my disorder as much as I can so that I an continue to be in control of my habits and not let them slip away. The third opinion in the matter has a somewhat smaller say in this things. This voice is the old me. This voice wants to be normal, free of these worries and happy. Unfortunately (for that voice and not anything else) thinness and control come far far higher in my priorities. There is someone close to me who is overweight, has never in my entire life been comfortable with this; while another close friend has always been very thin, very laid back, very content and successful. By means of association, I guess these 2 individuals have added to my own personal take on weight and happiness.
Ever since I can remember hopping on the scales age 7 or so, my weight has never been ok. I have always feared getting bigger and never accepted growth as a legitimate reason for gaining even a pound. Right now, I am trying to focus on every day being as food and exercise perfect as possible, in the hope and aim of being as thin as possble before these holidays end. Then, I believe I only have a couple more weeks before going back, yet again for help. Will I even get help? Am I worth help? Am I “good” enough at my eating disorder for that? Well. The ed wants to carry on forever, but I want a compromise: getting thinner quickly, then get help and be able to have some ounce of normality back. I am sick to death of how exhausted and genuinely ill this makes me feel at times, yet I am torn between wanting to hold on to all this and let it go gladly. Fear traps me.
Basically,if my compromise plan works, I can hopefully be in a slightly less unstable mindset and physical state soon. Goodnight.