Feeling so many ups and downs of happiness, love, laughter, guilt, regret, sadness, anger ….. is quite tiring! After a really HORRIBLE panic today, I am wanting to strangle the ed voice right now, but at the same time, I am planning my food for tomorrow. Thinner asap would solve everything it feels like.
As usual, I feel like a burden and a bad friend to those who have (yet again) had to help me today, but as always I am enormously grateful!!
The hatred I have of my body and the fear I have of being fat/not small enough is near on impossible to put into words but here goes:
Imagine a situation so terrifying that you would feel unable to move or do anything like a fire or your fear of heights and being made to jump off a plane etc… that is how important being thin is to me. As I never feel thin enough (despite being told I am bony and small enough already or too small or perfect how I am or I need to get some food down me blah blah blah) I want to see my bones. The ones that are already prominent could be more so. Every time something is lose or I feel my bones a little more it is like winning a prize. Unless someone calls me thin, I do not believe they think I am pretty and even when they do, they are probably lying. never mind.
Tomorrow will be perfectly food organised…
“The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it.”