I want to get better

I know that my pursuit to get thinner and thinner contradicts this, but it is true that I want my life back, I don’t want to be cold and dizzy and hungry or tired anymore. This time, for the last time I really do only have a couple of weeks until it is back to the doctors. I can’t put it off this time- she has even asked my mum how I am in order to try and pressure me to go! I will lose as much weight as I can before I go, because that is how I feel and I know I can’t change my perceptions on my own. Then, I am armed with a 2 page essay of how I really feel and what this is really doing to me, I will finally say the whole truth and not let the ed make me tell lies. I’m sure when I wake up the morning I will probably be in a different mindset, and go through times of not wanting to get better at all. But I do know that my real desire is to escape from this hole. It has taken some horrible breakdowns (of which there ared most certainly more!) for me to realise a small proportion of this for how it truly is. I am sure that those around me see it much more clearly and so their worry and concern is more justifiable than I think. 
Either way I want to balance being small with being stable – physically and in my brain! Therefore.. thinner here we come (or continue going technically..) but recovery here we come (soon at least)

“Believe in yourself and all that you are, know that there is something inside of you greater than any obstacle”Image 

Lauren Cuthbertson, Royal Ballet, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

She is an inspiration to me- beautiful, talented and so determined she overcome extreme  chronic fatigue to rise back into her dancing career. At one point, she could get out of bed for less than 2 minutes a day and now she is dancing for hours upon hours day in, day out. She may be tiny, but she certainly looks healthy too. THAT is how I want to be. 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s