Help.

Yet again I am soon to have help. It feels like an enormous circle, where I have ended up infront of the same people but in an even worse situation. Part of me can’t believe all the time and energy I have wasted on being like this; the other part of me doesn’t believe I am that bad and thinks I should be thinner than I am by now.
I can barely put into words how terrifying the idea of being weighed is. I absolutely won’t do it until I am a certain weight.. and thatv won’t go on forever, I do actually have a point at which I have been weighed as before and so that would be fine. I feel sick just thinking about me. I just hope more than anything right now that I am offered help in spite of not being weighed. I can’t and will not do it- I will simply have a panic attack right then!
I do want help, I do want my life back, I do want to be happy. At the moment my anxiety levels cannot cope with the pressure of stepping on the scales and so I will not risk it… I don’t actually know what I would do if I got on there now. I think I would want to die. Doubt they would want that, so they won’t make me or turn me away as a result I hope…