Everything might be blurry now, but when you are meant to everything will become clear if you don’t give up.
That is what I have been told today….
I am, as usual so so appreciative for the people who support me the most. Nothing positive would be happening without their help to pull me out of a hole. So thanks 🙂
Today I was finally told something useful: recovery doesn’t mean “getting rid” of the eating disorder; but living with it more healthily. My whole perspective on wanting to change has become less terrified and more positive as a result of this… At the same time, I find it horrible that there is a part of me that seems to revel in being trapped in this situation because it makes me “thinner and better”, or so that voice in my head tells me…
Today has been a day of big steps. Not only did I go all by myself to the appointment, and make the effort to really talk about what I wanted to do and what I felt about certain things, I did this having had a panic attack. Right now I feel HAPPY, which is hardly something I feel often. But, today I have laughed.. properly laughed. It wasn’t the fake joining in giggling- I was actually enjoying something. This feeling has not changed my wish and strategies on getting thinner (ha, that will be the day!) but I am remaining grateful for the help I have been given by other people. I finally feel that I am making progress that shows I am listening, as it is them as opposed to myself that I want to do this for.
I’m sure any therapist would tell me I should be doing it for me, but I want nothing more than to be able to leave knowing that I have put in the effort and made the progress in a way that matches the time and consideration that has been given to me by people there.
Apart from the love I have for my family and closest friends, I have never felt how I do now. I love you.. and I really, really mean that. I don’t see you as having any flaws, you are amazing ❤
Someone recently shared this quote and it has reminded why I have something worth getting better for: “You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive. It is not for unsteady souls.” Merce Cunningham.
I LOVE to dance. That indescribable feeling of truely being in the moment of a dance is what I want to be better for. I want more of that, and less of the panic and feelings of not even deserving food or sleep or happiness.
At the same time, I am filled with terror at the thought at ever not being allowed to keep getting thinner. Although I think about being better, and being free and all that, it is also true that I think of myself as thin in any situation where I picture myself as happy.
On Tuesday, the start of even more help is probably going to be happening. Good/ bad? I don’t really know. Whatever anyone says, there is no doubt that this WILL be a stressful situation- who can talk calmly about something personal, often hidden and stress making?!
Basically.. my mind is all over the shop at the minute! Having panic attacks is almost a daily event, but sometimes they are the only way that my worry comes out….
I hope I don’t eat too much tomorrow, so then I will atleast have one thing to be OK about when I have to talk about it all on Tuesday!
So. Everything has been just about as up and down as usual, but on Thursday I have to go BACK to the same people who will supposedly help me this time around. I am definitely too much of a fatty to get on the scales, so they can dream on if they want me to! I am too terrified of them thinking I am not thin enough, and me feeling too fat and embarassed by it all that I will have a panic attack. I have enough as it is, so I refuse to have an extra one.
I still hope they will help me.. if they don’t, I have no idea what I will do. A piece of me wants to be me again….