Apart from the love I have for my family and closest friends, I have never felt how I do now. I love you.. and I really, really mean that. I don’t see you as having any flaws, you are amazing ❤
Someone recently shared this quote and it has reminded why I have something worth getting better for: “You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive. It is not for unsteady souls.” Merce Cunningham.
I LOVE to dance. That indescribable feeling of truely being in the moment of a dance is what I want to be better for. I want more of that, and less of the panic and feelings of not even deserving food or sleep or happiness.
At the same time, I am filled with terror at the thought at ever not being allowed to keep getting thinner. Although I think about being better, and being free and all that, it is also true that I think of myself as thin in any situation where I picture myself as happy.
On Tuesday, the start of even more help is probably going to be happening. Good/ bad? I don’t really know. Whatever anyone says, there is no doubt that this WILL be a stressful situation- who can talk calmly about something personal, often hidden and stress making?!
Basically.. my mind is all over the shop at the minute! Having panic attacks is almost a daily event, but sometimes they are the only way that my worry comes out….
I hope I don’t eat too much tomorrow, so then I will atleast have one thing to be OK about when I have to talk about it all on Tuesday!