Changing

Today I was finally told something useful: recovery doesn’t mean “getting rid” of the eating disorder; but living with it more healthily. My whole perspective on wanting to change has become less terrified and more positive as a result of this… At the same time, I find it horrible that there is a part of me that seems to revel in being trapped in this situation because it makes me “thinner and better”, or so that voice in my head tells me…

Today has been a day of big steps. Not only did I go all by myself to the appointment, and make the effort to really talk about what I wanted to do and what I felt about certain things, I did this having had a panic attack. Right now I feel HAPPY, which is hardly something I feel often. But, today I have laughed.. properly laughed. It wasn’t the fake joining in giggling- I was actually enjoying something. This feeling has not changed my wish and strategies on getting thinner (ha, that will be the day!) but I am remaining grateful for the help I have been given by other people. I finally feel that I am making progress that shows I am listening, as it is them as opposed to myself that I want to do this for.

I’m sure any therapist would tell me I should be doing it for me, but I want nothing more than to be able to leave  knowing that I have put in the effort and made the progress in a way that matches the time and consideration that has been given to me by people there.