Emotional

Something that has been important is ending. While I know that a piece of me will ALWAYS miss it, I am excited for what comes next. I am so grateful, even though I have told them and they won’t see this anyway, for everything that I have learned.
I am a completely different person to a couple of years ago, and the way that this has helped me both now and will help me in future is enormous. All of my prospects are largely down to all of those who have kept me going… thank you. My ability to take genuine not eating disorder control in some situations is something that is slowly making progress happen. Sooner rather than later, I hope that good days can outnumber the bad.
I feel lucky.. very very lucky. Most people never get to arrive at the viewpoint I have been guided toward. 

Moving?

I don’t know if I am moving forwards or backwards or sideways. All I know is that things are changing: some are good, some a bad, some are just confusing. I am doing the best I can to accept them all even when that is difficult at times!  The most difficult thing for me is to not worry about future events, such as will I be thinner by enough to look ok at x next week? or next month? or for such and such next year? I guess this is a bit futile, cos I can’t ever develop the ability to see into the future (I wish…) 
Either way, things will happen as they are meant to, and I will carry on in my own little way- fighting to have as much food control as I want. Here’s hoping that I AM noticeably thinner over the next couple of weeks. With all this walking, it would be frankly unfair if I weren’t!
On that note: 
“our problem isn’t necessarily our problem; rather it is our reaction to a situation” 

Fear

Today I was told that my panic and fear is what is keeping me “locked into my eating disorder” This is definitely true, but the desire to keep getting thinner is also a massive part of it. Yes, I agree that the fear of failing at this is keeping me trapped like this, but there is a clearly defined desire to continue on the path to be complete fat free!
Today I am a little confused about the way things are: on the one hand, I recognise that I wouldn’t be offered help if I was ok or if it wasn’t “serious”, but there are moments in therapy where I feel as though THEY are the ones devaluing my problems. For instance “challenge it and know that going into an ed would not help you” does this mean going in further?  or am I not in at all?!
Ok.. so the latter statement sounds crazy, but it does sometimes cross my mind that this isn’t really happening and I just pretend on some level to not be capable of doing things.. but again I can see that this is wrong. I mean who can force panic attacks over food and weight on themselves?!

Basically, my head is in a muddle. Do I want to give it up? Is there really anything all that terrible there? Do I need my ed to keep my going? Will giving this up really be the out of control mess that I imagine it to be? As I was told today “we won’t know until we try”

Fingers crossed….