Today I was told that my panic and fear is what is keeping me “locked into my eating disorder” This is definitely true, but the desire to keep getting thinner is also a massive part of it. Yes, I agree that the fear of failing at this is keeping me trapped like this, but there is a clearly defined desire to continue on the path to be complete fat free!
Today I am a little confused about the way things are: on the one hand, I recognise that I wouldn’t be offered help if I was ok or if it wasn’t “serious”, but there are moments in therapy where I feel as though THEY are the ones devaluing my problems. For instance “challenge it and know that going into an ed would not help you” does this mean going in further? or am I not in at all?!
Ok.. so the latter statement sounds crazy, but it does sometimes cross my mind that this isn’t really happening and I just pretend on some level to not be capable of doing things.. but again I can see that this is wrong. I mean who can force panic attacks over food and weight on themselves?!
Basically, my head is in a muddle. Do I want to give it up? Is there really anything all that terrible there? Do I need my ed to keep my going? Will giving this up really be the out of control mess that I imagine it to be? As I was told today “we won’t know until we try”