On top

Being on top is how I always want to be; normal people see not doing so as stressful, but I see it as the deepest failure. Ironically the outside world don’t think I can be on top while I still have my “illness” yet to me, the only way to remain on top is to keep going with it all.

I am constantly confused and overwhelmed by the number of contradictory thoughts that dominate my every day life about it: I am hungry, I do not want to eat, I should eat, I need to exercise more, I am tired, I am fat, I need to be thinner, I am a failure, I must do better tomorrow…. There is NEVER an end to how good I am trying to be, and therefore perfection and happiness never appears.

I do believe that I genuinely cannot be happy being an average size, and I know few if any dancers who would be- there is an expectation which I want to fulfill. Apart from that, thin is more beautiful to me and the thinner I feel, the more acceptable I am. When other people talk about changing, I don’t think they ever fully understand that my previous sentence is illness enhanced and NOT illness created, Thin and good is a belief I have held my entire life, and so I don’t want to give it up.

While I am heading for a certain BMI which I won’t specify, I am simultaneously working toward a “normal” relationship with food and my body is other ways. Because of this, I seem unable to work out whether or not I am recovering?! Who knows! Part of me feels that this battle cannot be ended until I have reached certain points.

As always I have concluded that the only course of action is to take a breath (by writing this post!) and then keep going. The outcome will be evident when it arrives.

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