Walking is something I now have a love/hate relationship with. As I write, I am marching rigidly in the same patch of he kitchen I always do. If someone were to stop me from doing this I would literally go crazy and never eat again. The idea of not having moved enough in a day is one I can barely comprehend, because it is too painful and scary. I might be tired and still have an hour and a half to go tonight, but not doing it would be far, far worse.
Lately I am also becoming more and more frustrated at people’s general lack of understanding about what anxiety and eating disorders are about. I hate the fact that lots of people assume they can accurately guess your mental state without any evidence at all; just because I made myself laugh at a sarcastic comment does not mean I am not depressed or on the brink of panic.
I wish that society stopped having this fixation on eating disorders being about the body. Sure, I focus on it 24/7, but the underlying issue is that I feel lost, or frightened or sad or insecure etc…For me, it is a way of concentrating and handling extreme emotions, and sometimes a way of crying out for help when I have no words to explain why I need it.
I’m not saying that I’m perfect and everybody else is dumb or wrong (actually if I were to list my flaws I would be here for waaaaay too long), but I do know that accepting the present and trusting that everything happens for a reason is essential. Despite everything I am proud to say that I have a driven attitude in the face of despair and anybody who thinks my life is any less imperfect than theirs because of my outward (often false) happiness is WRONG. Very few people I know are able to put themselves in my shoes, where food, body shape and insecurity dominate pretty much everything and sometimes I want a break from pretending I am ok. It is hard to admit that because my ed wants me to shut up and get on with it, but I gotta say that the general attitude toward problems like mine are far from helpful.
I am really exhausted, so tomorrow’s plan is to eat much less so that I can sleep a little more. Here goes nothing….
What’s meant to be will always find a way. – Trisha Yearwood