As time goes on I come to notice more and more about when and why I take control over food and exercise. Today for example, I begun to feel stressed about the countless tasks I need to fit into this week. My first thought was to plan my food for tomorrow, do an extra hour of walking and then make a list of what I need from the supermarket.
Apart from being a substitute for accomplishing the actual tasks I have to do, it served no purpose other than making me obsessive and more worried!
So then I asked myself why do I bother? Well, of course the answer was that being thin means having an external display of my control AND making my body small enough to a) be a dancer and b) allow me to disappear quite literally when things seem tough.
To be honest, I have arrived at a worryingly comfortable level with my problems: I can be more assertive and calm about some aspects, but then use those new found skills to exert more power over food and set myself more and more goals when in a less positive mind frame. As usual I can’t really figure out where my head is at, so hopefully I am doing enough to get to where I want my body, while also learning and understanding more about myself and my disorder, so that when I do decide to commit fully to changing I know what I am facing.