Today I am doubting my disorder. I do really know that it is there, as that other voice, the guilt, the extreme reactions are all very strong nowadays. Ironically it is the doctor who makes me feel not “ill enough” and insignificant, which fills me with anger. I bet they have no clue what it feels like to be this way and just how difficult it is to go to appointments with an honest approach. Even when I try to be specific and open I seem to get no closer to getting the help that I know I need to get myself out of this.
Of course I am content with staying in my current frame of mind most of the time, but the really tricky moments remind me why I should try to change. I am far too aware of how this will only happen with outside assistance and I am terrified of not getting what I have asked for. All I hope is that I can keep holding it together as much as possible, and that next time I go to an appointment it is better than the last one.