Today I watched a bit of a clip on youtube called” what’s new with eating disorders?” and it got me thinking about how other people perceive my problems. What I loved was the description of restrictive disorders as a phobia- meaning that the avoidance of anything outside of what is deemed “safe” food-wise, is really just the same as someone who is afraid of spiders, heights etc, keeping as far away from them as possible.
For the first time in a long time, I no longer feel weak for being unable to fight it at times; it is ok to be scared.
So… from inside my head, my perception is that becoming any fatter/ eating more calories than is safe for me etc is DANGEROUS. But from the outside I know that most people believe this comes from the desire to be thin. This misconception is obviously justified by most anorexics constantly making complaints of being disgusting and fat (both are things I say regularly) when really,it is the fear of fat, overeating & being out of control that makes being thinner such a priority.
This led me to question the deceptive nature of eating disorders (most people with a phobia rely on others to help them cope with it), and I have concluded that for me, convincing others I am getting better, even when I’m not, allows me to do the following:
1. Remain safe by keeping the control I have over food, and therefore not going out of control or get fatter
2. Keep my coping mechanism in full swing, so that when anything bad happens in my life I know that I still have “the voice” in my head, so that I can sidetrack my mind and never have to deal with the really horrible feelings and events I have/will experience.
It’s funny that most of the very worst moments and days are the ones where I don’t want to see anybody. Very few people know how vulnerable I am, as hardly anyone has seen me when I’ve completely broken down.
Wow — I relate to this so much. “Very few people know how vulnerable I am, as hardly anyone has seen me when I’ve completely broken down.”