After a pretty rough week, today has been positive in so many ways: I have eaten an acceptable amount of calories (aka not many), my classes went well today and I just seem to have been positive about everything. Finally a day when I feel like I have done the best of both things, in terms of eating to get thinner, controlling my anxiety problems, and having focus in classes, has come my way!
If only every day was a little more like today…
I know that under eating does make you feel low (with a few momentary highs when the disordered bit of my brain is pleased with me) and so I worry that right now all I am doing is somehow managing to compress and conceal my inner exhaustion with it all. Can I really be good in the eyes of my eating disorder AND be positive and concentrate and do well for myself all at once?
On the one hand, it seems as though days like today are justification enough for me to carry on as I am; all the other days remind me that the majority vote would be that it isn’t possible to have both. Argh why is everything so difficult to figure out?!
Every now and again a little piece of me does believe that my exam results, positive feedback from others etc aren’t lies- so I am intelligent; that I am brave in the face of my problems; that I’m near the top as opposed to bottom of my classes; that I’m not worthless. Even so, nothing is ever good enough. For the most part I doubt myself, my abilities, my value as a person, and even when one of the occasional “everyone can’t be lying to me” moments happen, I still remain unsatisfied with myself.
As always I suppose I will have to enjoy the good days and deal with the bad days as best I can. Better sleep, people without an eating problem do not understand the meaning of the word tired!