A positive post (for a change)

As an almost 19 year old, going out to pubs and clubs should be a part of normality for me. But last night was one of a small number of my nights out that I actually enjoyed. For the first time I danced along with everyone without worrying madly I looked silly… which is pretty dumb anyway, as dancing is what I do all day everyday!

I just had fun and this isn’t really the sort of good news I felt appropriate to share with my parents 😛

It was nice to feel like a regular teenager (minus the alcohol- don’t drink) for a night!

Pear, hourglass, apple, rectangle… anything seems to fat for me.

I know a couple of people who are VERY pear shaped, and even with no fat on them they still look it. I worry constantly about being pear shaped.

I took some tests on the internet and mostly come out as hourglass or rectangle. But still… one of them said pear. PANIC!

While I am standing here, typing and walking on the spot (to use up more energy), I am beginning to wonder what is the point in all of this?! I never seem to see myself as others do, and lying under the covers crying with disgust about my body just sucks… Especially, as I have mentioned before, it always leaves me feeling I have no clue what I look like at all; instead, my brain is overloaded with thoughts about feelings of being skinnier yesterday, or how much fat there is on my body to grab today. 

I get so confused and anxious that I just want to stop everything, to press a pause button on the world, to stay in until I look and feel good enough to go out. Everything becomes an effort when you fear that you will never be perfect enough.

Over time, the ups and downs balance themselves out & I end up feeling… well… numb, fat and uncertain.

Is it really a problem if I am sometimes happy with things this way?

I got a letter today about my assessment for getting more CBT. Right now there isn’t much in the way of ed specific help, and so I’m beginning to feel like maybe there isn’t even a problem.

This entire post is gonna be a bit rambly and muddled… just saying…

1. My physical complaints do not include my organs or anything like that failing
2. I have less panic attacks than I used to
3. My thoughts of being dead have never led me to attempt to kill myself
4. I am still studying and having a life aswell as having all my problems too
5. I often feel that life would be horrible without actively controlling food
6. Getting thinner (even though I often don’t accept it as true) makes me happy

1. I spend part of almost every minute of the day obsessively thinking about my food
2. I am regualrly reduced to tears or not leaving the house because I believe I look too fat to go out
3. I cannot eat in the presence of others
4. I am incredibly anxious and upset in any situation that deviates from my normal food and exercise regimes
5. I feel unable to change by myself. I am compelled to want to be thin and to be obsessive about food, even at times when my problems are making other things difficult for me
6. I feel a burden to others
7. I get cold often
8. I get very lethargic a a similar point everyday, and sometimes have to take a nap as if I am 5 years old again!
9. My worries about my body, food and exercise can make me irritable towards people who have done nothing wrong
10. I feel limited by my feelings and behaviours in relation to my body and food (like not eating favourites, or being able to enjoy clothes)

Oh.. clear winner there.

I’m scared about calories :S

Before I went through a binge/ starve or purge phase, I lost lots of weight by eating way more than a lot of anorexics. I became underweight & lost my periods even when I was eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day. I suppose that has something to do with exercise (dance training is pretty active 😉 )

Now though, I know I am back  in a restrictive phase (good bye bulimia for now!!) and I can logically tell that I am losing weight. However, I am scared that I won’t be able to lose on  the same calories anymore?!

I know that amount of food does not sound anorexic, but when you exercise for about the same number of hours as the average person sleeps in a day, then the level of restriction compared to activity is pretty high!

So yeh. Scared. What am I going to do……

Holidays, food & selfishness.

This wouldn’t post yesterday for some reason..

I ate Christmas lunch by myself & it was blissful. The fact that I was absolutely certain that nobody would come in or that nobody had looked at what I was having made me feel safe, happy and in control.

Although there have been a few too many social occasions surrounded by food the last couple of weeks, I really do love Christmas, and it has been a special day to me since I was very young. At a buffet today (family only) I told everybody I wouldn’t eat before we went to it. I am glad I stuck to that, but it was quite hard to be present in that situation; for some reason, being around food made me particularly on edge this afternoon. 

It is exceptionally challenging to maintain relationships and maintain my fears and rigidity over food all at once, and I am so relieved to have done both this Christmas. A little piece of me does however feel sadness that I can’t join in with these things without it ruining me emotionally for the day/ week etc….

I wonder if anybody else even really cared about what I was doing… I suppose that most of us are too wrapped up in our own thoughts and judgements to truly focus on someone else for very long, but even so, I do worry that people around me resent my lack of willing to eat socially. (Here comes the essay on selfishness) Is it selfish of me to choose my own comfort about eating, rather than place myself under pressure for the comfort of others? I guess it is, but as a person I do not consider myself to be selfish. Although much of my time is dominated by thinking about my food plans. or exercise, or my body, this is almost exclusively a negative activity. It isn’t having a love for myself, or done out of not caring for anybody else. In fact, I try so hard to please others and help my friends whenever I possibly can, but this also brings me pleasure so it I guess it is partially selfish too?

Nothing is selfless. I believe that everybody has their own unique balance of being kind to themselves and being kind to others. How often you think about yourself or others is irrelevant: surely it is the manner in which you think of yourself and others that matters. I hate myself a lot of the time, but there are moments (like xmas dinner) where I was “selfish”, in that others may have felt happier had I sat with them. In my eyes though, this was a small act of kindness to myself.

Everybody is selfish, but sometimes that is the only way in which people can be easier on themselves for a while. Maybe some weird part of my eating disorder is that I can only ever do things that may be seen as selfish in order to be nice to myself, as then, I am still punishing myself in some way?!

Even though they will probably not read this: thank you to my family for (mostly) acting ok with me doing my own thing and being somewhat awkward about all the food parts. I love all of my gifts and did enjoy my Christmas day and boxing day, even if that seems odd all things considered!


“Me” time on Christmas eve.

Right now I am marching on the spot as I write, having come in from a really nice evening out. Now everybody else has gone, I intend to finish my walking, do some sit ups, eat the specified food that I’ve planned, then read and sleep. Although it is technically Christmas morning, I haven’t gone to bed yet so it doesn’t count 😉

Merry Christmas to anybody who reads this, and if you have an eating problem, then I sincerely wish for you that it is alright food wise.

“Binges” (air quotes explained below…)

Today I FELT like everything food-wise fell apart. For most of the day, things were going well- meaning I felt unattached to my surroundings due to fatigue and headaches from lack of energy…But then, out of nowhere came a burning desire to eat. At first I felt powerful in overriding my longings for food, but my hunger (emotional and physical) overtook.

Not very anorexic sounding really, is it? But frankly, this is the truth of having an eating disorder.

So anyway, I ate.

Because I had spent so long being determined to shut the idea of eating out of my head, it felt like a binge, despite the fact it was not excess calories. I find it weird that I don’t remember when my brain began registering “normal” calories as too much… it just happened. 

As I am writing and rationalising my day, I still feel like the only answer is to keep marching on the spot, just as I always do. I simply cannot come to terms with how the hell it is possible for me to have the intelligence to know this is crazy, yet feel consoled by obsessively exercising and compelled to carry on?! In my mind, the only way is to “settle” the calories before I sleep…

I love food (sort of)…

The average citizen usually assumes that anybody with an eating disorder simply doesn’t want to eat. I do want to eat, and whatever amount I am eating I like to prepare and eat it in my own perfectly organised fashion.

For me, this means cooking it to the precise minute, weighing it all out accurately, cooking alone, eating with matching cutlery, eating alone &  eating slowly. Although I can sometimes become afraid of gaining/ not losing enough weight whatever my intake is, I have a sort of love for eating in this obsessive kind of way.

A Christmas present to myself this year is going to be asking to eat alone… they said I can do whatever makes me happiest. 

I don’t actually know what I want :S

I want to lose weight, be thinner, see my bones more and more, but I don’t want my disorder to stop my doing things I want to do. Then of course, the worry is I will never be satisfied with my body (either I lose so much more that other things fall out of my life, or I get to a point just before that happens and it is not enough!)

I want to sleep because my body is drained of energy- emotionally and from lack of calories, but I don’t want to feel lazy.

I want to be happy, but do I deserve it when I am not thin enough? Is it even possible to be completely happy in an ed mindset?

I want to be free of my problems, but I also want to never let go.

“I argue back and forth; my eating disorder sits on one side of the table while my logical brain sits on the other. They bicker and fight, all the while I’m sitting in the middle trying to figure out who’s the liar and who is telling the truth.”- recoveringanorexic blog. A perfect analysis…

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Simply put: OF COURSE I AM. Not eating is pretty obviously going to make you really hungry. At the moment I was asked this, I was waiting for everybody to get out of the kitchen so I could eat was planned, and I was also emotionally drained. Tired, worried and on the brink of tears, I just had no words to answer that question…. so I stared for a while and eventually said “just shh. It doesn’t even matter if I’m hungry. Now you think I’m waiting for you to leave so I can eat I feel fat anyway.”

Brilliant eh? (sarcasm) I just have no control over what I do and say when I am in that state.