Today has been really good- much to my surprise in fact! A few months ago, I loathed being in the house. Being around my family made me angry, emotional and uncomfortable, and I often thought I was a useless waste of space, time and people’s friendliness.
Even though I would still say I feel rubbish about myself much more than the average person, and I do still imagine being dead at times, I have somehow developed the ability to accept that this is how I am. This ability seems to have crept up on me, and all of a sudden I can battle my way through challenging days with the attitude that not being able to change in that exact moment is ALRIGHT.
I got home after half a term of being away today. I haven’t seen many people as yet, but already the hugs and catching up is soooo enjoyable. I met up with somebody who has helped me more than anybody will ever comprehend throughout my “journey”, and as usual, they didn’t fail in making me smile and feel pride at how much control I have over some parts of my problems nowadays.
Lying in bed right now I feel so happy to know such brilliant people. I know that I am no less eating disordered than I ever have been BUT I am a bit more mature and knowledgeable, and can handle it by myself much more. Until today, I never really valued that as an achievement, but I guess feeling in charge of things puts me in a place where I know I could fully enter into a recovery mind frame when and if I feel ready to.
Sometimes I wish I was physically very sick so that I could be an inpatient and justify my problem.I would never like anybody to question the existence of my eating disorder, but at the same time I don’t like it when people forget I also have my own personality. In reality however, I would be absolutely heartbroken at having my life taken away from me and having full time focus on food put in its place! I really hope that these holidays can be good fun- which entails being in control of food, my anxiety & emotions and sticking to my exercise plan.
Reading this back, I can see that wishing for my holidays to be full of rules and structure must sound pretty messed up, but I know I will hate myself more if I screw up.
Time for my first Christmas holiday sleep….. good night.