Fat days

Most women (and plenty of men too, I imagine) have days when they feel a bit fat, ugly, spotty, short, tall etc… But most people with an eating problem will probably agree with what I am about to state:

There is NOTHING that is as strong as a fat day in an ed mindset. Your entire day is ruled by covering up, a sense of hopelessness, wishing that the world could go on pause so you didn’t have to waste so much time feeling that life is pointless. When being thin, confident and happy has so much importance in one’s life, the idea that anybody, ever, has thought you weren’t THIN is dreadful. Anybody who does not have an eating disorder should feel lucky that their idea of a “fat” day doesn’t feel like that. Rant over…

Since moving house, I have not owned a weighing scales (except for the kitchen one which is practically attached to me!) and it drives me insane sometimes. And so a measuring tape has become my new body-related obsession. I measure everything, from the width of my shoulders, to the distance between my hip bones, the length of my legs, my waist etc….As with most things, I see the unhealthy nature of this, yet I still find the habit comforting and cannot imagine life without it!

I’ve recently been speaking to a friend who also has an eating disorder, and we both concluded that the fear of not knowing who we would be or how we would cope is the one that puts us off changing the most. Would I be boring? Would I eat uncontrollably? Would I even have much of a personality left at all?

I don’t know, and I’m not sure I’m ready to find out.

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2 thoughts on “Fat days

  1. I found that when I entered recovery, I became a much better person overall. I was humble, I didn’t gossip, I coped with life effectively, I was kind, I was patient…I was giving and loving. Think of it this way: if you don’t like yourself after you’ve attempted to change (recover), you can always go back to your ED….

    • thank you. I have never thought about it like that. I guess my ed has given me control and something constant throughout periods of change, but it must be possible to live without it, and you’re right: I always have the option of returning to how I am now…

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