“Binges” (air quotes explained below…)

Today I FELT like everything food-wise fell apart. For most of the day, things were going well- meaning I felt unattached to my surroundings due to fatigue and headaches from lack of energy…But then, out of nowhere came a burning desire to eat. At first I felt powerful in overriding my longings for food, but my hunger (emotional and physical) overtook.

Not very anorexic sounding really, is it? But frankly, this is the truth of having an eating disorder.

So anyway, I ate.

Because I had spent so long being determined to shut the idea of eating out of my head, it felt like a binge, despite the fact it was not excess calories. I find it weird that I don’t remember when my brain began registering “normal” calories as too much… it just happened. 

As I am writing and rationalising my day, I still feel like the only answer is to keep marching on the spot, just as I always do. I simply cannot come to terms with how the hell it is possible for me to have the intelligence to know this is crazy, yet feel consoled by obsessively exercising and compelled to carry on?! In my mind, the only way is to “settle” the calories before I sleep…

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