I got a letter today about my assessment for getting more CBT. Right now there isn’t much in the way of ed specific help, and so I’m beginning to feel like maybe there isn’t even a problem.
This entire post is gonna be a bit rambly and muddled… just saying…
POINTS FOR NOT BEING A PROBLEM
1. My physical complaints do not include my organs or anything like that failing
2. I have less panic attacks than I used to
3. My thoughts of being dead have never led me to attempt to kill myself
4. I am still studying and having a life aswell as having all my problems too
5. I often feel that life would be horrible without actively controlling food
6. Getting thinner (even though I often don’t accept it as true) makes me happy
POINTS FOR BEING A PROBLEM
1. I spend part of almost every minute of the day obsessively thinking about my food
2. I am regualrly reduced to tears or not leaving the house because I believe I look too fat to go out
3. I cannot eat in the presence of others
4. I am incredibly anxious and upset in any situation that deviates from my normal food and exercise regimes
5. I feel unable to change by myself. I am compelled to want to be thin and to be obsessive about food, even at times when my problems are making other things difficult for me
6. I feel a burden to others
7. I get cold often
8. I get very lethargic a a similar point everyday, and sometimes have to take a nap as if I am 5 years old again!
9. My worries about my body, food and exercise can make me irritable towards people who have done nothing wrong
10. I feel limited by my feelings and behaviours in relation to my body and food (like not eating favourites, or being able to enjoy clothes)
Oh.. clear winner there.
Another way to think about it is, “Could I be more fulfilled/satisfied with my life?” Or “Do I still want to be living this way in 10 years?” I think it’s always good to work on personal growth, whether you want to label it a problem or not (but I think the conclusion you came to is correct).
I guess so.. and no, I don’t want to confine my whole life to the limits this puts on me. I normally think about the food as the problem, but I suppose it is me as a person that dictates what I do with food!
Thanks for commenting & giving me food for thought (ironic eh)
I totally could have written this entry myself. I feel almost happy/content living this way, and have even told myself that if I ever do have a child, I will go right back to this type of eating because it makes me “happy.” I know logically that’s not the case though, because I’ve been happier in a period of recovery, but right now I think I’ve settled because I don’t want to let these coping mechanisms go, nor do I want to make the effort it takes to recover.
Nice to know I’m not alone! 🙂 I think wanting to hold on to a “tried and tested” way of coping is why a lot of people seem to only recover partially, because it is hard to see positive in changing sometimes.. I hope we can both find a happy medium eventually!