Holding things in.

After a class of clawing at my body and wishing it wasn’t so disgusting, I had to take myself off alone so nobody saw me get upset. Sometimes I think it is bad that I hold things in from people, but who would understand me if I said things like “I can’t stop thinking about food, I love it, I want to eat, but I am disgusted by my body. I can’t eat, I don’t want to eat, I want everything to stop being difficult”?!?!

Anyway, writing therapy seems to have helped me to hold it vaguely together today (2 whole pages of scribbling my feelings in the changing room!) 

I wish I could eat the things I crave, but right now I know I cannot cope with how I would feel if I were to actually do that. At the same time, the thought of eating more makes me feel sick. As usual I am confused by my own mind.. 

“We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.” Calvin & Hobbes

The last few days have had their challenges, but all in all, I have really enjoyed my classes. I value that I’m lucky enough to be studying what I love, but this week in particular has been great. I went to a scary appointment, coped with having a massage (hate being touched, paranoia about being fat etc) and controlled one panic situation within 2 minutes.

While I am aware that my ed does have control of me, the moments where I am able to keep myself in the moment (even if it is a bad one!) and not get ahead of myself are pretty awesome. Ultimately I am not in control of things, yet I am holding them together on a day to day basis. I am just so,so happy that my college is going well despite the things which aren’t going so brilliantly.

I know there will be negative days to balance these present positive ones, but so what? I am pleased with what I have managed to do this week… hope tomorrow finishes it off nicely 🙂

Best descriptions of eating disorders.

Just some things I have read recently that I really like. At last there are some things around that haven’t got eating problems totally upside down!

“People who develop eating disorders feel that they’re not good enough,” Sacker says. “They become obsessed with perfectionism. That perfectionism begins to focus on what they eat. But underlying it is depression and anxiety.”

“At first, it was such a relief not to worry about anything else. The eating disorder started as a coping mechanism to help me avoid my other problems. But, in the end, it became the biggest problem of all.”

“If your value is looking good by societal standards, then you’ll feel good about taking that self-depriving step towards trying to lose a bit more weight – e.g. passing on dessert. There is definitely some psychological reward from having this Spartan mentality. On top of this, if you value achievement and hard work, it seems you’ll certainly at an increased risk of deriving a lot of pleasure from controlling food intake.” 

“They are emotional illnesses and really there is only one illness: the use of one or another aspect of eating behaviour to change the way we feel.”

“Too fat or too thin, it’s the same emotional illness.”

“When I had Anorexia, I really wanted to say to an aunt: ‘please don’t mention that I look ‘well’ because this triggers my eating disorder thoughts’ but I didn’t know how to do say so tactfully, and did not want to bring attention to myself, so what did I do? I started to avoid that aunt. What did my mother think? She thought I was being rude. And on it goes …”

“I can’t even look at the menu. There’s nothing on here I can eat. There are too many choices. I don’t want to be here and now everyone’s looking at me. I want to go home!”

“The biggest problem with humanity is that we always want to know why. Maybe it is ok to sometimes not know, and to accept life as it comes. You have to challenge your own hurdles instead of sitting down to look for an answer you might never find.”

 

Being strong.

There are times when I feel far from strong, but in reality I know that I have to be strong to still be doing anything in life besides sitting in a food, weight and worry dominated world. Yes, these things do occupy my brain heavily & regularly stop me from having a normal social life, or taking part in some things, but I do get through each day and there are things in my life that ARE positive.

Whenever I am faced with a depression quiz by a therapist or doctor, the result is overwhelmingly negative- but even the most depressed person in the world does have tiny glimpses of light in the darkness. I guess the problem is that mental illness puts up its own shield, so that when your ability to be rational is really, really essential, you just can’t. Like when I feel so down that I wish I didn’t exist, or I am so anxious that I’m not thin enough that I stay at home, I can’t let my intelligent voice enter the argument. There is no option. There is no control. The coping mechanism is ineffective, yet addictive at the same time.

I spoke to that person at college today and they really made me realise that I am achieving something good simply by being strong enough to keep things together at all! I know my current food situation is not brilliant and my emotional stability is pretty crap, but everyday I face challenges that most people don’t: to get through the day by thinking slowly (in order to have as few panic attacks as possible) & to be outwardly calm when preparing or eating any food that I do have. Just managing my anxiety is a pretty hefty task, as is giving myself just enough energy to get to the end of my classes (even if I collapse with exhaustion and cry when I get home because I’m so energyless…)

It might not be perfect at the moment, but I could be less in control than I am, and that IS something. I suppose I hadn’t thought about it like that until today…

She was pleased with me, and so I am pleased with me I guess! I just hope I can keep holding on and that I am able to live with this more healthily in the future. 

“The biggest hurdle you have is winning your own personal battles. When you do this, you will be able to do everything you dream of doing and more” anonymous. 

Cravings.

I don’t know why in particular today, but I wish I was able to eat bread and ham, salty chips, pizza and pastries. I guess I’m tired, and calorie deprived… but still, the cravings have been pretty overwhelming today.

Part of me feels strong at denying them, but I also just want to cry.

“I’m hungry, I’m not thin enough to allow myself extra food, my body will always be horrible, my body shape is stupid, I should die if my body won’t become how I want it, I’m tired, I’m tearful, my head hurts my ears ache, I must do exercises, food, stress, meal planning, restriction, weight….” That is my head today.

Exhaustion.

I am having a good week class-wise, but my body is fighting against me. I reached a point of feeling unable to lift my own legs to stand up before dance today, and once I did, even I could see that I didn’t look well- pale, yellowy, tired…

I hate hate HATE feeling so pathetic, but I am hanging on until I reach a weight where I can settle with stopping. My point is realistic, as I have maintained on my goal weight before, but a voice in the back of my mind is screaming that the ed is just tricking. Is there ever an end? 

Being angry and anxious

I would usually say that I’m not an angry person- at least not at others. I basically never get cross at people, or shout, or show anything at all when I am furious on the inside. I think that all my anger ends up being aimed at myself… like today.

Somebody said a couple of things that just drove me mental this afternoon. They were needless comments, both of which linked to my ed/ self esteem and made me feel like crap. As a result I sat alone in my room and panicked.

It is times like these when I just hate the world. I want to be locked in a room until everything is gone & I end up harming myself or throwing my stuff around. Even though what was said wasn’t actually my doing, I took it out on myself by throwing my phone (which somehow didn’t break!)

At the moment I am just annoyed that I can identify the thoughts that are my illness, but seem unable to do anything about them! I feel as though I am destined to be stuck in a life where I’m regularly totally unstable and hating everything. 

All I can do is to attempt to be calm and together as every new challenge arises.