Looking back at an old diary.

Yesterday I randomly stumbled upon my old food/thoughts diary from about 18 months ago. Reading it back I was absolutely horrified at how crazy I sound, but also filled with sadness at the fact I still think the same horrible thoughts.

“Today they told me my problem wasn’t diagonseable. She is stupid anyway, because now I am definitely going to keep going so that I can be thinner and confident and happy. I must do this, because having an eating disorder means that I am in control of myself.”

Needless to say, 3 months later I was having counselling. As it was pretty short lived (lady retired!)  nothing changed in a long term fashion: here I am, a long while later and back where I was.

I still totally  believe that being thin is so important that I feel unable to leave the house something, I still just sit in a dark room and cry out of hopelessness, and I still spend hours meticulously planning and calculating food.

Apart from the odd time, I can usually be this way without having perpetual panic attacks like I have done in the past… I know that takes some mental strength to change, but realistically speaking, my eating disorder does dictate my life even if I can keep the worry and madness inside my head nowadays.

I am beginning to wonder when I will accept myself without an eating problem. It feels like a part of my identity (logically I realise this isn’t true) & so the uncertainty of personality without it scares me. I am desperate to be able to be “normal” but at the same time, getting help in England is almost impossible it seems! 

This morning I was looking at non-nhs options that are free for students, so I must want to get better… thing is, do I want it enough to drown out the part of me that is stuck like this?

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2 thoughts on “Looking back at an old diary.

  1. I was so incredibly immersed in my ED for so many years that it became all of my identity, like I had nothing else–just that. It was ridiculous that anyone would even suggest there could be more to me than my ED. But as you see on my blog, there is. It takes time. Just because it’s a part of your identity doesn’t mean you can’t live without using destructive behaviors. (I say “use” rather than “have” because I suspect that I will always have an eating disorder, though not techically by the DSM. However, I can choose not to “use” it. In other words, I can choose to let it go latent with no intention of ever using it again.) I’m not saying “lose your eating disorder!” That can only be YOUR choice, and you will make it or not in time. I’m just saying please don’t think it’s impossible to re-discover who you are outside of your ED. In my case, I’d had my eating disorder since early childhood all the way through late teenage years, so I really discovered myself, not re-discovered myself! And I am so grateful that I took that chance, although saying that makes it sound so much simpler and easier than it really was. Still, amazing things can happen when you let go. Don’t lose faith. 🙂

    • thank you, it is always so inspiring to hear of people finding happiness outside of an ed. The more I read things like what you’ve written, the more faith I build to try to change 🙂

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