In a nutshell, my biggest fear about recovery is the past repeating itself. When I previously upped my calorie intake, everything was fine until I gave into a craving for the first time in a very long time. I ate out of control- over 2000 calories (yes, I know, that is what I should be eating, but it felt wild!) so I starved the next day… until that night it happened again. That time I made myself throw some of it up & then obsessively moved around and exercised for 4 hours. This pattern just kept on going and going and going.
I was tired, hungry or uncomfortably full, depressed and an anxious mess.
I worked daily to regain control of my nerves & now suffer far fewer panic attacks.
I started full time restricting again and am now back where I started: my body requires more than I give it, but I am waiting for professional help and so feel powerless to do much on my own. The fear of returning to the “nighteating-purging-madexercising-ltitlesleep” phase just makes me see death as a better option.
Yesterday I cried and babbled to somebody, and for once it actually did give me some relief. I am still just waiting, carrying on life as best as I can & doing my best to keep everything vaguely together. It was so good to talk HONESTLY, but I am still afraid and stuck.
anadancer 
I have that fear too. For years I’ve gone around and round in circles between drug addiction and disordered eating. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results and I do that all the time. I am the very definition of insanity
Sending you a hug x
I’m really sorry you have gone through so much.. I hope that one day we can both break the repetitive cycle! Hugs x
I was not binging and purging for a year. I didn’t at all, granted I DID binge and purposely, but I didn’t purge. But that soon all ended and now I’m back at my worst but certainly not at my lowest weight, just in a really bad relationship with my body and eating habits, especially old habits repeating itself.
I really hope that you can be in a happier place soon- best wishes! It can be hard & confusing to be eating disordered, but I do believe everything has something good to be taken from it x
Thank you. They say the struggle makes you stronger but I still have yet to figure that out.
I have the same problem. But I eat too much when i am happy…