Tomorrow is a scary day.

Tomorrow I have an assessment. I might get offered CBT. I have waited 3 months for this appointment. Why does a bit of me not want to go?

Sometimes I can imagine how awesome it would be to eat a proper diet, eat with others, enjoy food, stop suffering from anxiety and depression… but in my mental images of all of these, I am thin. 

Someone who I follow posted a link to “what a ballerina eats” and as a training dancer I was relieved and overjoyed to see that maintaining low body weight AND  good muscle mass is possible while actually eating properly! But of course, my body would take a while to get used to a maintenance amount. I am scared,,, very, very scared.

In my ideal of the upcoming months of my life, this is what would happen:
-I reach a weight that balances my wish to be small, but one that does not make my ed freak out
-I become more relaxed- both generally and around food
-I continue my training
-I go though with the CBT and the ed support group

I just don’t know if the above is possible. If it isn’t, then I don’t want to get better. I can’t be big, but I also can’t spend the rest of my life like this. As much as I find it nearly impossible to not associate my identity with my eating disorder, I do want to be able to do some of the things that I can’t do now… 

I wonder which way I will go…

4 thoughts on “Tomorrow is a scary day.

  1. Hun, I wish you ALL THE BEST<3 I'm so proud of you for seeking help!! It the right choice, trust me, as hard as it is! Of course the anorexic part of you doesn't want all this!!! Gee, you could get happy and ed would have nothing to say…that can't happen lol!:D You DESERVE to be happy and without ed! I know you have this voice inside you screaming that it's wrong what you're doing but you have to do something that's admittedly not easy and can be very painful at first: DON'T LISTEN. Ignore it. No matter what it says! It'll be like that for a while, you vs. ed/depression. You might not always feel strong or feel like recovery….but if you HANG IN THERE no matter what you WILL get stronger!!!

    Do you know that what you wrote above that you wish can become true? I mean it, it's really possible!!:)

    Because I think I did that. It's why i'm not posting about it at the moment…because it's not that easy and I need time to digest…

    Maybe you read about me having this medical checkup…i'll tell you in advance now what happened: I finally reached a healthy weight. Jup, healthy bmi and all. Turned out I was anorexic and underweight all along while I thought I had long reached my goal weight. On that day, I had lost my label 'anorexic'. I suddenly was not underweight anymore. This time the doctor didn't say anything about me being too underweight…this time she was very happy and I was at a NORMAL weight. It felt like I had gotten kicked out of this little world of ana…lost a part of me! But this part was destructive to me and it's good I lost it.

    And now comes the funny part that I hope can motivate you a bit and show you that everything that you wish for can come true: actually I hadn' expected 'such a high weight'. I mean sure, ed has whispered it into my ear as the worst case szenario. Now, I have the worst body perception and distortion…but on that day I realised that it had actually gotten better. That I had become more independent from ed. That ed wasn't controlling me that strongly anymore. I realised I had to let go…

    At first after weighing I started crying like hell. Dissapointed that my body had 'let me down' blablabla…

    Then the doctor tried to tell me it was basically muscle mass. And I was like 'yeah sure…'

    But then I had therapy and my therapist made me realise how the only important thing was how I HAD FELT BEFORE WEIGHING. And it was then that I realised that my actual thought was 'no way I'm at that weight. I'm still thin.'

    Suddenly I was filled with pride. Apparently o had done it. I was at a healthy weight that I used to consider overweight for my size. But I realised how it might be just right….
    And that it could really be muscle mass. In my perception I had gained about 10cm minimum everywhere. In reality it was.1cm for most parts and 2 for some. And I still look the same I did at 3-4kg less.
    The doctor had even said before weighing that I 'still must be slightly underweight'. Nope. But my appereance hasn't changed. My clothes size hasn't changed.

    So I had gained 13kg on the whole…13kg seperate me with my lowest weight. And it feel like 4-5… People tell me 'yeah maybe you've put on a little. You're not that bony and look healthier.'

    And that's how I feel, ed voice aside. F*** that number. The clothes I bought when I was lighter still fit me THE SAME.
    -i'm at a healthy weight
    -i eat a lot and maintain on that
    -i'm more confident when eating though I still have some anorexic behaviours
    -i've got some muscle
    -i still look small
    -ed controls me less, i'm strong enough not to listen
    -i manage better to eat in front of others
    -i'm slowly getting the things back that I lost through anorexia and depression

    If I did it you can get there too!!!:) I'm still not recovered, depression is as horrible as ever but I feel like i'm finally learning to cope.

    Part of me 'misses' being anorexic, underweight, not eating…why? Because it gave me a certain confidence, security, a sense of belonging. Whenever I encountered other anorexics they felt like sisters. And i thought anorexia made me beautiful.

    ALL A BAD LIE. I still need to learn that and accept it. Find other things to boost my confidence.

    Too cut a long story short: you're totally on the right way. You can achieve everything that you want if you just TRY<3

    Not only can you be small AND reach a weight that doesn't make your ed freak out, eventually there won't be any ed to freak out. Or it'll be very very weak at least.

    IT'S POSSIBLE<3 Hang in there. And remember to take babysteps. Take the time you need to recover! In the end you'll be rewarded:)

    Wishing you the very best for today!!! Let me know how it went:)


    • Thanks so much for taking the time to write all of that. I really appreciate hearing that it is possible to recover without becoming the gross, fat person I see in my mind if I think about eating more. I am still scared, but now I feel more as though I am doing the right thing by going. I will post later this evening, as I have to go out now. Thank you x

    • Thanks so much for taking the time to write all of that. I really appreciate hearing that it is possible to recover without becoming the gross, fat person I see in my mind if I think about eating more. I am still scared, but now I feel more as though I am doing the right thing by going. I will post later this evening, as I have to go out now. Thank you x

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