Tomorrow I have an assessment. I might get offered CBT. I have waited 3 months for this appointment. Why does a bit of me not want to go?
Sometimes I can imagine how awesome it would be to eat a proper diet, eat with others, enjoy food, stop suffering from anxiety and depression… but in my mental images of all of these, I am thin.
Someone who I follow posted a link to “what a ballerina eats” and as a training dancer I was relieved and overjoyed to see that maintaining low body weight AND good muscle mass is possible while actually eating properly! But of course, my body would take a while to get used to a maintenance amount. I am scared,,, very, very scared.
In my ideal of the upcoming months of my life, this is what would happen:
-I reach a weight that balances my wish to be small, but one that does not make my ed freak out
-I become more relaxed- both generally and around food
-I continue my training
-I go though with the CBT and the ed support group
I just don’t know if the above is possible. If it isn’t, then I don’t want to get better. I can’t be big, but I also can’t spend the rest of my life like this. As much as I find it nearly impossible to not associate my identity with my eating disorder, I do want to be able to do some of the things that I can’t do now…
I wonder which way I will go…