Anxious, positive and sad all at once…

So, I went for the awaited CBT assessment and I am going to get some for my anxiety, so I can hopefully go on to apply it to all the food stuff.

I am positive that getting some sort of help is now in the near future, but the whole thing did make me very anxious. I’m also annoyed by the fact that I mentioned how almost all my panic is about food, weight etc & she then felt it appropriate to say “you don’t have an eating disorder”

Although this was more a general statement than an accusation, I was hurt that she didn’t guess before I said that I did. It just made me feel like a not thin enough failure. I guess it is pretty dumb to dwell on that one point of conversation, but it all goes back to the fact that my ed feels like my protection, a piece of me… and above all, it is there every minute of every day in a very blatant fashion in my mind. All of a sudden I’ve realised that people only really see you from the outside. Of course, I take from this that I am not thin enough, and that I should be disgusted that my eating disorder is technically “atypical.”

Another mental argument I’ve also got going on is that I do have an eating disorder, so it’s ok and I don’t need to be freaking out…

Then there is the logical part of my brain that knows (very VERY deep down) that surely all of the above is insanity.

Will I ever get out of this? Am I even sure that I want to? Will getting thinner and people knowing more obviously about my ed really give me the twisted sense of justification I feel I need in order to give it all up? Would people even notice at all- I mean hardly anybody has noticed that I’ve never eaten at college infront of them (and we have been there 4 months)?

Everything is confusing. I am happy that some help appears to be on its way, but I’m worried that it won’t be right, or be enough help, or that I simply won’t be able to have a normal mentality.

3 thoughts on “Anxious, positive and sad all at once…

  1. Awww noooo what a blockhead this doctor!!!???-.-
    Clearly you HAVE an eating disorder, which is neither a compliment nor and accusation!!! It’s just a fact. Maybe she meant that the eating disorder is not THE problem….as we know that it’s mostly a symptom of sth else (anxiety, depression…a way to cope). I hope you didn’t feel too insulted by her. I can remember when once I was told sth like: well you’re not THAT thin (wearing thick winter clothes and being about 8 kilos underweight) by a dietician who then gave me a DIET mealplan…another time was when we talked about an Austrian celebrity that had anorexia and my second therapist said, well you’re not quite like HER….gosh, both times that was a big OUCH!!!!

    It’s not a good thing but I think the reason why we are vulnerable here is because our ed has become part of our identity…we’re even tricked into that it IS our identity and that we’ll be NOTHING when we lose it. We’re too scared to let go….

    Thing is, our ed is POSSESSING us, it’s a bit like a compulsion and we cling to it because we.think it’s our only chance to be someone, achieve something. Our ed controls us to the point where we forget who we really are, we turn off the good stuff a out ourselves. The things we used to love, hobbies, even people become so distant and put of reach.

    In recovery we need to find ourselves and our identity again..

    I think it’s just great great great that you’re getting help!!!! Awww noooo what a blockhead this doctor!!!???-.-
    Clearly you HAVE an eating disorder, which is neither a compliment nor and accusation!!! It’s just a fact. Maybe she meant that the eating disorder is not THE problem….as we know that it’s mostly a symptom of sth else (anxiety, depression…a way to cope). I hope you didn’t feel too insulted by her. I can remember when once I was told sth like: well you’re not THAT thin (wearing thick winter clothes and being about 8 kilos underweight) by a dietician who then gave me a DIET mealplan…another time was when we talked about an Austrian celebrity that had anorexia and my second therapist said, well you’re not quite like HER….gosh, both times that was a big OUCH!!!!

    It’s not a good thing but I think the reason why we are vulnerable here is because our ed has become part of our identity…we’re even tricked into that it IS our identity and that we’ll be NOTHING when we lose it. We’re too scared to let go….

    Thing is, our ed is POSSESSING us, it’s a bit like a compulsion and we cling to it because we.think it’s our only chance to be someone, achieve something. Our ed controls us to the point where we forget who we really are, we turn off the good stuff a out ourselves. The things we used to love, hobbies, even people become so distant and put of reach.

    In recovery we need to find ourselves and our identity again..

    I think it’s just great great great that you’re getting help!!!! You deserve this soso much!!! And it WAS the right decision, hang in there!!! Proud of you<3:)

    Only make sure ONE THING: that you feel really comfortable with the therapist, that she doesn't totally ignore the ed part. Because the second therapist I had did that, and what happened?? I made progress in some parts but I got TOTALLY STUCK with my ed… Only when I changed therapist this got better, I needed to talk about my ed as well.
    Try it, and be HONEST with yourself, do you feel like it's helping you or would you rather do CBT somewhere else?? If it's not working, don't say this is just because of you, be brave and try somewhere else:) This is about YOUR life!!!

    Having said that, I wish you the bestest and GOOD LUCK!!!:) x

    • Yes, it was quite a difficult statement to process, but I think the point you made about it not be the problem that I was mainly adressing at that time is correct. I suppose an ed makes you subconsciously obssess over parts which include it! Dw worry about the double posting- phones suck when it comes to stuff like that!
      Today has been a good day, I hope it has been for you too.
      I wish that choosing a therapist was an option, but with the NHS it is pretty limited sadly x

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