There are times when I feel far from strong, but in reality I know that I have to be strong to still be doing anything in life besides sitting in a food, weight and worry dominated world. Yes, these things do occupy my brain heavily & regularly stop me from having a normal social life, or taking part in some things, but I do get through each day and there are things in my life that ARE positive.
Whenever I am faced with a depression quiz by a therapist or doctor, the result is overwhelmingly negative- but even the most depressed person in the world does have tiny glimpses of light in the darkness. I guess the problem is that mental illness puts up its own shield, so that when your ability to be rational is really, really essential, you just can’t. Like when I feel so down that I wish I didn’t exist, or I am so anxious that I’m not thin enough that I stay at home, I can’t let my intelligent voice enter the argument. There is no option. There is no control. The coping mechanism is ineffective, yet addictive at the same time.
I spoke to that person at college today and they really made me realise that I am achieving something good simply by being strong enough to keep things together at all! I know my current food situation is not brilliant and my emotional stability is pretty crap, but everyday I face challenges that most people don’t: to get through the day by thinking slowly (in order to have as few panic attacks as possible) & to be outwardly calm when preparing or eating any food that I do have. Just managing my anxiety is a pretty hefty task, as is giving myself just enough energy to get to the end of my classes (even if I collapse with exhaustion and cry when I get home because I’m so energyless…)
It might not be perfect at the moment, but I could be less in control than I am, and that IS something. I suppose I hadn’t thought about it like that until today…
She was pleased with me, and so I am pleased with me I guess! I just hope I can keep holding on and that I am able to live with this more healthily in the future.
“The biggest hurdle you have is winning your own personal battles. When you do this, you will be able to do everything you dream of doing and more” anonymous.