After a class of clawing at my body and wishing it wasn’t so disgusting, I had to take myself off alone so nobody saw me get upset. Sometimes I think it is bad that I hold things in from people, but who would understand me if I said things like “I can’t stop thinking about food, I love it, I want to eat, but I am disgusted by my body. I can’t eat, I don’t want to eat, I want everything to stop being difficult”?!?!
Anyway, writing therapy seems to have helped me to hold it vaguely together today (2 whole pages of scribbling my feelings in the changing room!)
I wish I could eat the things I crave, but right now I know I cannot cope with how I would feel if I were to actually do that. At the same time, the thought of eating more makes me feel sick. As usual I am confused by my own mind..
It’s so frustrating, isn’t it? It’s like the one thing we want most…to be a certain weight…but to get there we must deprive ourselves of literally one of three things that are absolutely essential to survive. We need food or we will die…and every day we choose to be thin is one more day we put weight above our health and life. If only we could be thin without having food complicate it all.
It really is! Being frustrated instead of being proactive is one of my biggest problems to be honest.
I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes it doesn’t seem possible to have such vastly conflicting emotions and feelings exist inside our one body… but it is, and it’s proof of what complicated and wonderful creatures we really are. I hope you can know that about yourself 🙂 xoxo, g.
It is strange really, being so undecided even in our own minds. I suppose everyone would be the same though if we couldn’t have our own mental debates and make individual decisions… confusing stuff! x