After a class of clawing at my body and wishing it wasn’t so disgusting, I had to take myself off alone so nobody saw me get upset. Sometimes I think it is bad that I hold things in from people, but who would understand me if I said things like “I can’t stop thinking about food, I love it, I want to eat, but I am disgusted by my body. I can’t eat, I don’t want to eat, I want everything to stop being difficult”?!?!
Anyway, writing therapy seems to have helped me to hold it vaguely together today (2 whole pages of scribbling my feelings in the changing room!)
I wish I could eat the things I crave, but right now I know I cannot cope with how I would feel if I were to actually do that. At the same time, the thought of eating more makes me feel sick. As usual I am confused by my own mind..