Anxious, positive and sad all at once…

So, I went for the awaited CBT assessment and I am going to get some for my anxiety, so I can hopefully go on to apply it to all the food stuff.

I am positive that getting some sort of help is now in the near future, but the whole thing did make me very anxious. I’m also annoyed by the fact that I mentioned how almost all my panic is about food, weight etc & she then felt it appropriate to say “you don’t have an eating disorder”

Although this was more a general statement than an accusation, I was hurt that she didn’t guess before I said that I did. It just made me feel like a not thin enough failure. I guess it is pretty dumb to dwell on that one point of conversation, but it all goes back to the fact that my ed feels like my protection, a piece of me… and above all, it is there every minute of every day in a very blatant fashion in my mind. All of a sudden I’ve realised that people only really see you from the outside. Of course, I take from this that I am not thin enough, and that I should be disgusted that my eating disorder is technically “atypical.”

Another mental argument I’ve also got going on is that I do have an eating disorder, so it’s ok and I don’t need to be freaking out…

Then there is the logical part of my brain that knows (very VERY deep down) that surely all of the above is insanity.

Will I ever get out of this? Am I even sure that I want to? Will getting thinner and people knowing more obviously about my ed really give me the twisted sense of justification I feel I need in order to give it all up? Would people even notice at all- I mean hardly anybody has noticed that I’ve never eaten at college infront of them (and we have been there 4 months)?

Everything is confusing. I am happy that some help appears to be on its way, but I’m worried that it won’t be right, or be enough help, or that I simply won’t be able to have a normal mentality.

Tomorrow is a scary day.

Tomorrow I have an assessment. I might get offered CBT. I have waited 3 months for this appointment. Why does a bit of me not want to go?

Sometimes I can imagine how awesome it would be to eat a proper diet, eat with others, enjoy food, stop suffering from anxiety and depression… but in my mental images of all of these, I am thin. 

Someone who I follow posted a link to “what a ballerina eats” and as a training dancer I was relieved and overjoyed to see that maintaining low body weight AND  good muscle mass is possible while actually eating properly! But of course, my body would take a while to get used to a maintenance amount. I am scared,,, very, very scared.

In my ideal of the upcoming months of my life, this is what would happen:
-I reach a weight that balances my wish to be small, but one that does not make my ed freak out
-I become more relaxed- both generally and around food
-I continue my training
-I go though with the CBT and the ed support group

I just don’t know if the above is possible. If it isn’t, then I don’t want to get better. I can’t be big, but I also can’t spend the rest of my life like this. As much as I find it nearly impossible to not associate my identity with my eating disorder, I do want to be able to do some of the things that I can’t do now… 

I wonder which way I will go…

For once, crying & talking was good….

In a nutshell, my biggest fear about recovery is the past repeating itself. When I previously upped my calorie intake, everything was fine until I gave into a craving for the first time in a very long time. I ate out of control- over 2000 calories (yes, I know, that is what I should be eating, but it felt wild!) so I starved the next day… until that night it happened again. That time I made myself throw some of it up & then obsessively moved around and exercised for 4 hours. This pattern just kept on going and going and going. 

I was tired, hungry or uncomfortably full, depressed and an anxious mess.

I worked daily to regain control of my nerves & now suffer far fewer panic attacks. 

I started full time restricting again and am now back where I started: my body requires more than I give it, but I am waiting for professional help and so feel powerless to do much on my own. The fear of returning to the “nighteating-purging-madexercising-ltitlesleep” phase just makes me see death as a better option.

Yesterday I cried and babbled to somebody, and for once it actually did give me some relief. I am still just waiting, carrying on life as best as I can & doing my best to keep everything vaguely together. It was so good to talk HONESTLY, but I am still afraid and stuck.

Looking back at an old diary.

Yesterday I randomly stumbled upon my old food/thoughts diary from about 18 months ago. Reading it back I was absolutely horrified at how crazy I sound, but also filled with sadness at the fact I still think the same horrible thoughts.

“Today they told me my problem wasn’t diagonseable. She is stupid anyway, because now I am definitely going to keep going so that I can be thinner and confident and happy. I must do this, because having an eating disorder means that I am in control of myself.”

Needless to say, 3 months later I was having counselling. As it was pretty short lived (lady retired!)  nothing changed in a long term fashion: here I am, a long while later and back where I was.

I still totally  believe that being thin is so important that I feel unable to leave the house something, I still just sit in a dark room and cry out of hopelessness, and I still spend hours meticulously planning and calculating food.

Apart from the odd time, I can usually be this way without having perpetual panic attacks like I have done in the past… I know that takes some mental strength to change, but realistically speaking, my eating disorder does dictate my life even if I can keep the worry and madness inside my head nowadays.

I am beginning to wonder when I will accept myself without an eating problem. It feels like a part of my identity (logically I realise this isn’t true) & so the uncertainty of personality without it scares me. I am desperate to be able to be “normal” but at the same time, getting help in England is almost impossible it seems! 

This morning I was looking at non-nhs options that are free for students, so I must want to get better… thing is, do I want it enough to drown out the part of me that is stuck like this?

New Years resolutions

I know that the fact it is a new year isn’t some sort of magic wand, but there are a few achievable things I would like to do in 2013:

1) To find a weight I can maintain, that is a balance between lean and healthy

2) To go abroad (not been in ages!)

3) To carry on my dance training

4) To stay in touch with the people that matter

5) Read Spanish books more often

6) Be able to eat socially 

7) Be kind to my parents

8) Do breathing exercises everyday, as I know they always help me feel calm!

More of a question than a post…

When my ed began, I lost weight eating around X calories (don’t wanna talk literal numbers). Now, I eat similarly but usually do about 3 times as much exercise. I am terrified that over the holidays, despite maintaining my calories control, I will not have lost weight. My measurements (waist etc) aren’t bigger though, and the amount I eat is still a weight loss level .. so worried 😦 HELP?!

My logical brain tells me that my weight loss will have been slower, due to less opportunity to exercise while on holiday, but that my body needs more than I have given it just to run itself.

My ed says I must be fatter, disgusting, a failure.