Bingeing (or eating a more normal amount)

I only ever completely lost my period for a few months. My body just keeps it going- even when I exercise 5 hours a day on less than my BMR of calories… so anyway, either the day before or the first day of my light, half period, I get hungry. 

Usually I don’t notice it too significantly, and life goes on as normal. But once every few months, I just go into crazy eat mode. It makes me feel like crap, especially since my bulimic phase. I am scared that I will go back to being bulimic again. I know the chances are that this is the same as always: a day where I feel so horrible about what I have done by eating that I feel like I will eat forever and be out of control. Only that’s what it is- A day. Not everyday, not half a week… a day.

I wish I could see the future and know for certain that it is the same this time. Cos right now I just never want to go out again. I want to wish this day away so that it never happened. I’m a failure. I hate it.

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5 thoughts on “Bingeing (or eating a more normal amount)

  1. You’re not a failure; you’re disordered. But I understand exactly what you mean about bulimia vs anorexia–there is nothing worse than the frantic endless binge/purge cycle.

    • thank you. It can be hard to avoid feeling worth less when the brain gets overloaded with thoughts about food and deserving. But one day I won’t have to be like this x

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