I was afraid of going back to bulimia, but I think I’ve stopped it. I should feel bad that I’m comforted by keeping anorexia…

I feel like I should be cross that I’m so happy about my bulimia worries not coming true. I know that is a good thing, but to me it was sorta like I went back to bingeing, laxatives, purging OR I let that one day stay in the past and continue losing. Surely my aim should be the healthy middle between the two?! Having a restrictive eating disorder shouldn’t be the right outcome of anything…

Sometimes I long for that calm, easy middle ground; instead I’m relieved to be staying disordered…. well, in some ways. I hate that I love it & I hate it for being the only way I can hope to love myself right now. I hate myself for being unable to apply the rational thoughts I have to my own behaviour. I am not stupid, yet I do things that badly contradict my intelligence. Crazy huh..

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4 thoughts on “I was afraid of going back to bulimia, but I think I’ve stopped it. I should feel bad that I’m comforted by keeping anorexia…

  1. You sound confused. What’s really cool though, is that you’re able to identify what’s confusing you. I think it’s an amazing goal to strive for balance and for the middle ground. I think you’ll get there. Keep going!

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