When I started this blog I was struggling to accept that I was a recovering anorexic who had started bingeing. Perhaps it is quite fitting then that tonight I have “binged” (or eaten what is considered a normal amount)
I feel pretty crap about it. Sitting here wondering whether I will be able to regain control tomorrow is playing on my mind. Since around August I have been losing, so I know a short period of time like this can’t effect what I look like…. but I think that it has.
All I want is to be back in control and eat my usual amount tomorrow. Part of me thinks that is totally realistic and fine; another bit of me is remembering where I was a year ago and is terrified of the binge, starve, binge cycle.
Promises to myself for tomorrow:
1. To do some toning exercises
2. Designate eating times and stick to them
3. Know that finally having time by myself doesn’t mean I need to eat. The desire to do so is just a reaction to feeling overwhelmed with living with 5 people.
I like your promises to yourself for tomorrow. Very realistic and attainable. I eat when I am alone because being alone terrifies me. I eat when I get stressed too. But I never eat what is considered normal. And that’s where my downfall is. If I’d just eat normal amounts then I wouldn’t binge and then resort to purging. It’s a rough cycle.
Thanks- I hope they are! I understand how horrible the binge purge cycle is, and like you, I know that if I could just eat what my body needs spread through the day then I wouldn’t damage myself as I’m doing by restricting, or get stuck in a purging cycle. Easier said than done though isn’t it?
I guess for me one year on I have learned not to “starve” any more than usual when a “binge” comes on. I am so physically active that my starvation calories are far higher than the average anorexic, because my body uses up so much energy doing dance training for 5-7 hours a day!! At this point in time I am left with the one original eating disorder: anorexic behaviour with very sporadic days of eating a more normal amount, but in binge-like fashion.
Everything still feels just as difficult, but guess one eating disorder is better than two?! x
Yes it most certainly easier said then done! Each day I wake up thinking I can eat normally today, and bam, I’m binging. It makes no sense. Or I think maybe today I’ll go as long as possible without eating….and then bam I’m binging. I was a successful anorexic for a year. I dropped to a very low weight for my height and now I can’t seem to get out of the triple digits. It makes me mad. I don’t know if recovery ever allows you to think more clearly then what I’m thinking each day of not eating or eating what I consider normal. Very frustrating.