What comes up must come down…

It’s true isn’t it? Whatever happens in life, the opposite is always somewhere around the corner: something sad is counterbalanced by something good.. just like starving eventually leads to eating. It has only happened 3 times in 10 days. but that is 3 more times than for several months. I hate it when this happens. It goes one of 2 ways: back to bulimia, or back to restriction (the latter is the more likely in my current circumstances)

Whatever, it doesn’t even matter. Nothing matters when my whole life feels, no, IS out of control. I can’t do anything. I only think about food. My studying is all up in the air, and it’s ,money related so I can’t even sort it out. 

Nothing is in control. Food isn’t even in control. Everything feels pointless and I’m just willing that tomorrow I won’t eat anything I’m not allowed. I have nothing- not thin, not got a plan for the next academic year, not got anything that I can focus on that is in my control.

Sucks.

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4 thoughts on “What comes up must come down…

  1. I’m so sorry that you feel like this 😦 Yet, i can so relate! I hate feeling out of control, that’s why i turn to my ed again and again :/ But thinking about it we’re so young and don’t have to be in control. We don’t need to have the perfect uni or career plan yet. instead we should shift our focus to what we FEEL, what makes us happy, sad, angry, relaxed, calm, uncomfortable? Easy said i know but i think it’s really what we should focus on. Not on how many cals we put in our bodies (although when having an ed that shouldn’t be entirely ignored). For the next academic year, do you need to have a plan? Focus on yourself, try to be realistic and ask yourself What are your options and what do you feel you really CAN do! And stop pressuring yourself…our only goal should be to live life as best as we can, but whether we’re in control (which i’m afraid that we never are) or not, whether we’ve got plans or not…life happens anyways. Can you talk to your therapist about your fear of not being in control? i think she/he could help! Also, be patient, you’re doing a great job by getting up and tackling the day everyday, so you’re already in control of the most basic but trickiest thing (for me at least, hehe)
    Sending positive thoughts and support your way! xxx

    • Thank you, I hadn’t even thought about how tackling each day is achieving something 🙂
      Basically, in the coming weeks I am auditioning to stay at the dance college I’m at. The funding has just changed, and so I no longer qualify for enough financial help to stay where I am. Now I am applying to other places that could fund me, but competition is very high, it is an uncertain time, and the funding change is frustrating. I have done very well since I began my training, and money is getting in the way!! These things usually work themselves out but it is terrifying to think about that not happening!
      I am going to talk about how afraid I am with my therapist, but nobody can really fix this situation apart from time: waiting and seeing what happens….
      Positive thoughts to you too! xx

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