I often long for my 5 housemates go to out, so that I don’t have to see anyone and worry they think I’m fat. “If they go out, you can cook alone, eat alone, everything will be perfect” is what the voice tells me…
This past weeks has blown that theory out the water. As I’m so rarely alone, my habitual state is to be planning and calculating when I can take food from the cupboard/ cook/ eat and not be seen, so being alone somehow just makes me binge (or what feels like bingeing as it has reached around double my normal amount) Even if my binge amount would be considered normal to others i FEEL out of control during these episodes.. 😦
In a way it makes sense: I subconsciously don’t know when I will be able to eat without the rushing and on edge feeling of there being 5 others in the house, so there’s probably some biological trigger for my body to store food while it can. What doesn’t help is that I am stressed anyway, so my reaction to eating is to immediately try to throw up & when that fails exercise obsessively and take laxatives. I am so frustrated that living with 5 others makes my relationship with food more difficult AND that when they are gone food stuff is almost worst.
When we are all in the house I want them to be gone, but now they have gone and this has happened, I am afraid of being alone in the house. So what if a short period of eating more can’t scientifically change how fat you look? Cos it feels shit anyway. I feel like a child… confused and scared, but nobody can protect me from myself. I am the one who has these thoughts and reacts to them, but I feel powerless to stop them. I wish somebody else could stop everything for me.
Being alone can either fuel the anorexia or fuel the binge eating…it really depends on what I’m going through at the time. I usually long for times I can be alone, because I feel like restricting will be so much easier. But then when those times do come around, I usually am triggered to binge because it’s such an opportune time to do it. So yeah — regardless of what situation I am in, regardless if I’m with someone or not, it can really go either way depending on where I am at mentally.
That all makes perfect sense to me- that is how I feel. Usually being alone fuels the anorexia, and so the binges shock me more and are more distressing because they are much less frequent. Either way, being alone does seem to exacerbate whatever mental state I am in!
I move into my first shared flat with 4 others tomorrow and I AM nervous about the cooking and eating…although I told one of my problems…but I just hope it’ll be alright. I can’t be watched when I prepare food…but maybe that can change.
You’re right that those feelings can change, but it is ok to be nervous. I find it difficult being around people, but I try to remind myself that I would still be disordered and struggle with some things even if I was in a room alone all the time! Good luck x
“I feel like a child… confused and scared” Oh girl, I feel for you! I said those exact words yesterday, but for a different reason. I was curled up on the floor of my therapist’s office in the fetal position, and she was on the floor with me. NOT my finest moment! But you know what? We don’t always have to be strong and brave! We are wonderful human beings. We can be scared and confused and afraid of everything, even ourselves, especially ourselves, and still be deserving of love and joy and peace. Hope you are doing well. ❤