“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
The quote is from one of my favourite books in the whole world. I hope that one day I can be someone who struggled but won the battle. Right now that seems unimaginable, especially as being home with my parents makes my behaviours worse than ever. I’m in the house where it all started, with the people who I would shout at or ignore for coming in the kitchen when I was there. I don’t have a go at them any more but that makes it worse for me, because I end up taking out those difficult emotions on myself.
On the upside, I love not having to rush in the holidays. It makes me a bit calmer.. just still nervous waiting for an important letter.
As planned, I am home for the holidays. After an organisation screw up (not my own) I didn’t get any news like I hoped for on Thursday, so I’M STILL WAITING.
Part of me is enjoying being home, catching up with people, being in a quiet (ish) house etc… but at the same time it is hard. I feel like everyone is constantly judging my current body to what they thought of my body when I saw them three months ago. It is so confusing (as I’ve blogged about before) that I am so distressed by my ed, yet a bit of me is strongly determined to get sicker.
Wanting to be physically fit for my current training AND get thinner can’t logically be a realistic combination, or can it? No, it can’t, I know that deep down. Thing is, I can’t help but hear that voice in my head that says I would lazy for not restricting and exercising, and that I must do my very best to have both, and that if I end up breaking down then atleast people will have confirmation that I don’t make up my disorder.
The fact I have been, and am still contemplating how ill is “good enough” for me stop is probably a ginormous sign that I am presently not well, but of course, it is not enough. I am so aware of my ed patterns, the stages of depression and anxiety I experience, and what is actually a healthy diet, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My ed thoughts make me so extremely worried about everything that I am too afraid to change. What also doesn’t help, is that I began this academic year with new people, in a new city at a healthy weight. That period of being ok on the outside (thank you weight gain from binge/purge NOT) just made me feel even worse on the inside, so I have gradually lost weight since I started. Those that I live with see me everyday and are therefore notice my physical change less. I am desperate to prove to them I really do have a problem.
They already know. We have talked about it. They have seen me very upset about it at times…. but like everything, that isn’t enough. I don’t want them to think I’m a fraud, despite the fact that having an ed is only seen as important to the disordered…
I was supposed to find out whether I can stay where I am next year on Thursday. Now I don’t know when I will find out. Whoever changed their mind has no idea how stressful this is without all the plan changing.
I have waited weeks already and so waiting even longer is just dragging out the uncertainty more. That coupled with going home in a couple of days is making for a field day of anxiety and crappy ed thoughts in my head.
One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time..
So, in my mind I have an exciting last day of this term on Thursday, an easy journey home that night, I look visibly thinner to my family (although I may not believe them if they say I do… :S), and I spend my holidays catching up with people back home, exercising and relishing in the quiet home kitchen, where I can cook and eat as I wish.
If Thursday goes to plan, then it will kick it all off positively- which is an adverb that I rarely have good use for at the moment! I know I have probably posted about all of this about a million times, but it is on my mind BIGTIME so just need to keep reassuring myself that all I can do is keep going….
Right now, I am cycling through restricting, the odd binge day, taking laxatives, obsessive exercising, breaking down, and repeating all of the above. Right now I just need to keep on going and doing one thing a a time.
I go through times where I walk on the spot for hours on end to burn calories. I am doing that right now.
It makes me feel so much more comfortable with having eaten at all, but at the same time, I hate that I feel so compelled to do it. I’m tired and bored. Therefore, tomorrow I am going to eat a lower calorie number so that I don’t have to walk.
I do want to get better and be a normal eventually, but right now, I can only think about being thinner. In a very messed up, illogical way, I won’t allow myself to get better until I have got worse….
My obsession over food makes me snap. It is never anybody else’s wrong doing; they are just unfortunate to be getting in the way of me eating, cooking etc.
Today I had to wait 2 hours for people to go out of the kitchen so I could get one bowl of cereal. It’s ridiculous, but I spent that whole waiting time being so impatient and snappy with everyone who spoke to me, because all I could think about was the cereal. Of course I haven’t eaten an amount to fill me up, cos I don’t like to be full…