To sum it up, today (and this week actually) has been quite a mixture! From receiving really exciting news, to feeling terrified about the coming week, to feeling in and out of control with food, it has all been going on this week!
At the moment, I just want everything to be steady whether that entails endless food/ exercise calculations or list making or whatever, all my little plans have to go PERFECTLY. When they don’t, I seem unable to hold myself together emotionally and some form of punishment follows.
Right now it is quarter past midnight and I am marching in place, where I will be for the next 4 hours.
On Monday I have a really busy schedule and so tomorrow just has to go to plan: I must reach the bottom of my to do list, I must do all my planned exercises exactly, and I must eat an acceptable number of calories (restriction-wise) in order to feel prepared for it. Reading this all back makes me realise that my mental calmness shouldn’t come from controlling my life like this, but it does and I can’t change that when I have some really important stuff going on at the moment.
I never find myself wishing life was easier; I always find myself wishing that I could have more control and be thinner, never feel like I have food in me, never run out of time to do things.