Going home.

I’ve not been to my family home since Christmas. but I’m going back for Easter holidays in  weeks. I am excited, but all of the positivity about it seems to be getting more and more overridden by worry that people back home will think I’m fatter or the same size as I was last time I was there..   :S

I know it is silly to even be thinking about that, but I just can’t stop. That thought is there, I have accepted the way I feel about it but I can’t control that situation and so i’m scared. What if somebody says something?

I think I get so worried because that house and that situation is where my ed started. and so  my family and friends there have seen me at my biggest (normal weight, slim from being active), at my thinnest and the times when I gained quite rapidly from binges. It is horrible knowing that my illness will be in other people’s heads, as whatever they say can be distorted and relayed in my brain as a massive criticism. 

This just makes me feel even more fixated on restricting. I must be thinner. I must make sure nobody thinks I am bigger. 

I wish I could just look forward to it!

 

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