As planned, I am home for the holidays. After an organisation screw up (not my own) I didn’t get any news like I hoped for on Thursday, so I’M STILL WAITING.
Part of me is enjoying being home, catching up with people, being in a quiet (ish) house etc… but at the same time it is hard. I feel like everyone is constantly judging my current body to what they thought of my body when I saw them three months ago. It is so confusing (as I’ve blogged about before) that I am so distressed by my ed, yet a bit of me is strongly determined to get sicker.
Wanting to be physically fit for my current training AND get thinner can’t logically be a realistic combination, or can it? No, it can’t, I know that deep down. Thing is, I can’t help but hear that voice in my head that says I would lazy for not restricting and exercising, and that I must do my very best to have both, and that if I end up breaking down then atleast people will have confirmation that I don’t make up my disorder.
The fact I have been, and am still contemplating how ill is “good enough” for me stop is probably a ginormous sign that I am presently not well, but of course, it is not enough. I am so aware of my ed patterns, the stages of depression and anxiety I experience, and what is actually a healthy diet, but it doesn’t seem to matter. My ed thoughts make me so extremely worried about everything that I am too afraid to change. What also doesn’t help, is that I began this academic year with new people, in a new city at a healthy weight. That period of being ok on the outside (thank you weight gain from binge/purge NOT) just made me feel even worse on the inside, so I have gradually lost weight since I started. Those that I live with see me everyday and are therefore notice my physical change less. I am desperate to prove to them I really do have a problem.
They already know. We have talked about it. They have seen me very upset about it at times…. but like everything, that isn’t enough. I don’t want them to think I’m a fraud, despite the fact that having an ed is only seen as important to the disordered…