Slow and steady wins the race..

That was the advice I got given today, and I guess it is right.

My problem is that while I am always getting better at being articulate and open about my issues, the disorder is still there. I am still fixated on food and weight control as a way of controlling my body and my life in general. I am always fearful of others thinking I have gained weight when I go home/ come back for a new term, and so lose more to try to prevent people from commenting. A big part of me wants to be ill forever, and there are very few moments when I am 100% determined to be recovered. I am fighting a constant battle against myself, in a place where most people don’t have a clue anything is going on.

Today I was more tired, more cold & more stuck in my own head than usual (I’ve eaten 1200 calories less than what I need to maintain, which the disorder bit of my brain is over the moon about….) and so I couldn’t stop worrying when I thought someone had seen me eat something that I’d never tell anybody I’d eaten usually.

Part of me feels so silly for speaking to them and explaining that I was so guilty that I spat it out anyway, but saying the words “I can’t eat things like that because I’m afraid of becoming fatter or being perceived as greedy” made me feel like I’ve reminded them that I am empty and clean of horrible food that could ruin all of my control. I obviously realise that they don’t think like me and therefore don’t care, but I do.

Since moving here, I have had 4 bulimic “incidents” during which I have binged and purged, but those 4 days aside, I have been my usual anorexia obsessive control freak about food. I know that nobody here will ever fully understand what it is like to have an eating problem, but sometimes I just have to say the crazy things in my head, just so they stop whirring around my brain for a while. It can be hard,no, it IS hard. Even when I’m writing on here, where nobody even knows me personally, I am keeping secrets. That’s what ED’s do best: hide.

 

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You know you have a messed up mind when a bit of you wants to be in hospital.

I know more than one person who has been hospitalised because of their eating disorder. For one of those people the inpatient time was only 2 weeks long. I don’t know what happened to initiate them going into hospital, but I just keep thinking that a fortnight is really not long at all, so maybe I would feel better if that happened to me…

I feel like an absolute idiot for even having the tiniest wish to go into hospital, but I can’t deny that it is there, and so I am writing to get it out. 

I have thought about this for a long time, and on days when I feel very low, having the validation of my disorder by being in hospital seems so appealing. Realistically speaking, I don’t want my life to be put on hold,.yet sometimes that is what I want more than anything else in the world. Sometimes everything just feels too much and I sit in a heap on the floor unable to do anything.

The “dream” would be to be fully eating disordered and function normally- obviously not an option- so when my issues are really getting in the way of my life, I feel like if I could finally hit the bottom of my ed then I could come back out of it and get on with being normal… The thing is, there is no bottom. There is always I way I feel I could be sicker, thinner, more depressed etc. There will always be somebody worse than me.

I guess part of my current worry, is that I am in a relatively new environment, full of people that mostly do not understand anything about any kind of mental,illness at all, and so it feels necessary and like it would be an “achievement” to prove to them that I really do have an eating disorder. 

Right now I am also waiting for one very, very important letter, which will probably determine what I’m doing for the next few years. I know that I will get this just before the end of the month. With that in mind, my focus is on hoping that it will say what I want to, so that I can relax knowing that my future is sorted out for a while. 

Once I read that letter (and if it is the outcome I hope for) then I will feel like I don’t need to keep holding things together, as I have been for the last months. If that pressure is relieved then I can relax a little.

The day I get that letter is also the day that I go home for Easter- busy time hey!? I have quite a long holiday and all I can think about is getting noticeably thinner for the new term.

Reading this all back just makes me feel silly. I know how bad it is to think like this, but right now there is so much pressure in my life that I can’t stop it. I WANT it there. I WANT to be eating disordered. I can’t let go of it now because it is the only thing I am holding on to.

If I get good news in that letter AND I lose lots over Easter, then I will tell my therapist I need the more intensive treatment option. Sorry to anyone who is reading all this non-nonsensical babbling, but hey, I wrote this to be a place to figure things out, and I have: I am as messed up as ever, I wish I weren’t, but right now I feel that I need and want to be. however much I want to get on with being normal.

Going home.

I’ve not been to my family home since Christmas. but I’m going back for Easter holidays in  weeks. I am excited, but all of the positivity about it seems to be getting more and more overridden by worry that people back home will think I’m fatter or the same size as I was last time I was there..   :S

I know it is silly to even be thinking about that, but I just can’t stop. That thought is there, I have accepted the way I feel about it but I can’t control that situation and so i’m scared. What if somebody says something?

I think I get so worried because that house and that situation is where my ed started. and so  my family and friends there have seen me at my biggest (normal weight, slim from being active), at my thinnest and the times when I gained quite rapidly from binges. It is horrible knowing that my illness will be in other people’s heads, as whatever they say can be distorted and relayed in my brain as a massive criticism. 

This just makes me feel even more fixated on restricting. I must be thinner. I must make sure nobody thinks I am bigger. 

I wish I could just look forward to it!

 

I want to want to be better…

That sums up everything. I want to be better- but only sometimes. If I wanted to be recovered all the time then it would be so much easier override the obsessional food thoughts and behaviours. I’m tired of fighting it. 

I want to be skinnier and sicker.

I want to be happier and healthier.

I can’t have both 😦

I know my blog is full of this kind of conflicted thinking, but that is what is honest, and right now I need to something so that I can stop crying.

I am just so confused. Before I ever tried to change (aka before summer 2010) it was normal to be disordered, to restrict, to follow my exercise plan, to keep everything secret. It was actually trying to recover that led me to my first experience of bingeing, compulsive exercise and purging. Ironic eh?

Now my eating disorder is one big mess of everything: restriction, punishment, blips of binge phases for a few days and the purging the result in. The confusion of what “phase” I am in makes me constantly on edge and afraid. Of course the only option that feels safe is pure restriction, and however small or short lived a “binge blip” is, I am totally unable to cope with any deviation back to the bulimia and wind up feeling like I will never ever just settle for being normal.

I am longing to eat everything I love at the same time as wishing I could live without ever taking another bite. Food is stressful. I hate it.

Everybody is insignificant when you think about it…

I’ve not posted for a little while, but I have been reading all the posts in my reader, and thinking more and more about whether or not having an ed label is important.

For me, having a label means that I tick a box, I have an identity, I have a reason to be “different.” But for those on the outside of the disordered individual, the name of the illness is unimportant. The only thing that matters is that loved ones feel they are understanding and helpful in the face of difficulty- whatever the name of it is in doctor terms.

When a counsellor told me that “people with anorexia are often in denial” I barely even realised she was including me in that group, because I could think of more reasons than fingers on my hands that would make that statement false (other people are thinner, I thought I ate too much etc). I was underweight at that point, but marginally above the official marker- by like a pound or two (but I was at an unhealthy bmi and my periods had stopped)

A few months down the line and I had begun bingeing and abusing exercise, diet pills and (the times I was able to) my gag reflex….. The weight I regained at this time put me at a healthy bmi, but as soon as I reverted to anorexic behaviour my weight didn’t matter. I still had anorexia even though my weight had changed from when I first had counselling.

I guess my point is that you I believe that you need to have been underweight or have multiple physical signs of starvation to be initially considered anorexic, but after that, the illness can surface itself again at any weight, and at the end of the day, I know that in my case it is me who cares most about what label I have anyway. To my family and friends I am simply eating disordered: be that BED, BN, AN, or anything else. I have a problem, and to them that is the only necessary knowledge; the specifics don’t affect how much they care or how much they want to help.

Out of every single person that I know, only a handful know about my problems, which  just goes to show that there are too many people on the planet for it to matter to everybody you meet. 

So happy, so stressed, so angry, so scared, so excited… and all in the space of a day!!

To sum it up, today (and this week actually) has been quite a mixture! From receiving really exciting news, to feeling terrified about the coming week, to feeling in and out of control with food, it has all been going on this week!

At the moment, I just want everything to be steady whether that entails endless food/ exercise calculations or list making or whatever, all my little plans have to go PERFECTLY. When they don’t, I seem unable to hold myself together emotionally and some form of punishment follows.

Right now it is quarter past midnight and I am marching in place, where I will be for the next 4 hours.

On Monday I have a really busy schedule and so tomorrow just has to go to plan: I must reach the bottom of my to do list, I must do all my planned exercises exactly, and I must eat an acceptable number of calories (restriction-wise) in order to feel prepared for it. Reading this all back makes me realise that my mental calmness shouldn’t come from controlling my life like this, but it does and I can’t change that when I have some really important stuff going on at the moment.

I never find myself wishing life was easier; I always find myself wishing that I could have more control and be thinner, never feel like I have food in me, never run out of time to do things.