I am not depressed, I am not depressed, I am not depressed…

When I start my day, I often feel as though I won’t have the energy t get through it, and/or I won’t do well in classes.

Since term started back I have made a conscious effort to take each class one at a time, and not worry about how I feel energyless-wise. While I agree it is irresponsible in terms of my ed, it feels so much better to simply not think about it. I feel like I have actually done my best these past few days, as I am focusing on exerting all my energy and concentration into each class individually.

I feel happier from doing this- like I have made my days more manageable and the powerful sense of “everything is hopeless, I can’t face it” is more controlled. I can cope with the exhaustion while I’m in class, and once I’m done it doesn’t matter how I feel. I can come home and lie down….

Random post inspired by a friend making a list.

A friend of mine has a list of 10 things she wants to have done in her lifetime, and so, as a more positive post I am going to post mine on here! (They aren’t in any particular order)

1. To complete professional dance and performance course (part way there already 😉 )
2. To have a successful performing career
3. To be a dance teacher when retiring from the one above, and do this back in my home town
4. To go to America, Italy and India. (I have just always wanted to go to those places for some reason!)
5. To be able to get through the day without food, body and weight thoughts being dominant
6. To be comfortable in my own body
7. Learn Italian
8. To make the effort to hold on to my closest friends
9. Watch my favourite ballet live (Elite Syncopations, choreographed by Kenneth Macmillan)
10. To have my own choreography performed on stage

Eating with them.

To me, the “safest” option apart from not eating, is to eat alone. Nobody can see, nobody can judge, nobody can comment.

Today I stopped myself at the door and sat back down in the kitchen.

I ate.

I should be glad that I didn’t it, but I have a horrible feeling this is just a new found way of protecting my disorder: if m housemates think I’m eating easily in front of them then they might assume it is ok now & I can continue to be eating disordered. I say this, because this is what went through my mind:

“This will make them think I’m getting better”

“I can still lose weight, but it will be less obvious if they see me eating. I just won’t eat when I’m not with them”

“I feel like a fat, horrible person,but it’s ok. It’s just a way of throwing them off the trail”

I guess it is progress in terms of my anxiety problems that I did this tonight. But yet again, my ed is just finding ways to keep itself going. When I wait for them to leave the cooking area to avoid being in their presence when cooking/ eating, I am incredibly irritable and defensive. So, if I eat in front of them then I will also appear emotionally more stable.

Little do they know what is really going on.

I want to want to get better, but I don’t. Not even 50/50 anymore.

 

“I’ve shoved a toothbrush down my throat too, I know what it’s like”

My response to this was silence. How on earth do you reply to such a blatantly untrue statement? While I agree that regularly making yourself throw up is unhealthy, that on its own does not qualify as an eating disorder. If ed’s were a response to one triggering situation in one’s life, then the disorder would stop when the situation was over.

An eating disorder is a way of coping with, suppressing, expressing struggle, or even a cry for help when no words seem to do the job. It is not a phase, and although people recover, that is different to a disorder just stopping. No eating disorder fixes itself. 

Later on in the same conversation, the person who made the bold statement in the title started talking about a friend who was really ill, and said to me “no, like, she was much worse than you.” May I just point out (again) that ed’s are MENTAL illnesses with physical consequences. Just because she may be lighter than me or have medical complications that I don’t have right at this very moment in time, it doesn’t mean I am any less sick. I just wanted to literally cry and scream and try to articulate just how overwhelming it is to be completely consumed by thoughts about my body, food, exercise and self criticism 24 hours a day.

I know I have said what I’m about to say before, but I want to say it again:

Society has bred itself to be exceptionally poised to idealise the thin and judge the fat. Many people do not know where a lean body becomes a medically underweight body. 

At 19 years old, I have grown up a lot in the last few years. I have also spent that time being eating disordered and the more time passes, the more I realise that the last time I had a half decent attitude to food (can’t remember feeling good about my body) was around age 14/15. Even then, I had some hints of being over cautious about how much I ate and did go through many phases of calorie counting. As a result of all that I don’t know what my adult mindset is like without an eating disorder. I’ve never been in that place, and I’m scared of what it’d be like.

I remember reading somewhere that anorexics wanted to stay physically and mentally children, and part of me does want that. It is simpler like that; yet at the same time I love being independent and following my own ambitions…. conflicted, as always.

Why am I so ashamed?

Today I got thinking about how much more capable I am to articulate my ed problems and feelings than  I used to be, but in a way I’m actually more secretive.

When it comes to not having eaten, or any other behaviour or feeling to do with restriction, I am past lying to those closest to me, as they know about it and so that’s relatively comfortable. Sometimes, being able to say words out loud makes them a little less confusing. Yet when it comes to binges, taking laxatives, and obsessively exercising I am rarely honest. It is at these times when my feelings become so incredibly powerful that I am sometimes literally unable to move my body out of utter hopelessness.

I guess that has something to do with the “numbing” effect of purely anorexic behaviour, but it still fascinates me that I feel the need to be so secretive about all the other stuff, despite my having an eating disorder being a pretty well known fact.

I’m reading a book at the moment about the workings of the mind and our 2 thinking systems. Aside from being really interesting, it has also taught me that some of our human judgement is NOT reasoned and considered at all; we have a host of associations and links to certain ideas, mental images, words etc, and so it could well be that the relatively common teenage thought that anorexia is “better” than bulimia has made me lie and conceal those aspects of my ed.

Weird huh? 

It could be worse, but it most certainly isn’t better.

At the moment I am in a “safe” place with my eating disorder. Things stay pretty much “normal” as far as my ed behaviours go, I’m doing the same level of exercise as always, planning food as meticulously as always, and worrying just as much as always. These days, I’m usually very aware of when I’m letting my ed control me, particularly when it comes to snapping at others etc, and so I tend to just hold it all in, feeling a constant need to be polite and calm and never show how much of a fight is going on in my head.

When I lived at home, I felt guilty about shutting my family out, but atleast I could express my difficulty through isolation and cross words towards them sometimes; now I just add fuel to the self-punishment fire so to speak, as none of it gets to come out in any other way apart from through food and exercise.

I feel numb, I am still conflicted about what I want in terms of recovery, but nothing is largely going to change in that respect, as I don’t have any options apart from going it alone at the present time.

In precisely 43 minutes my marching in place will be done and I can go to bed.

Night…

I have done some good things… not many, but still…

I just read over some stuff I wrote about a year ago about how I was feeling. I can proudly say that although I still suffer from an extremely obsessive relationship with food, control and exercise, I am much better at keeping my anxiety at a lower level than I was.

I am still a very anxious person; I still get regular panic attacks, but these are no longer responsible for taking up 2 or more hours of every single day. It has been by no means easy to change, and I hope that when I recover from my eating disorder I will stop having them altogether.

 

Putting on a front.

One of the things I find most difficult about how I currently feel is that I am living with people who don’t understand it. I decided to tell them about my disorder and how I feel day to day (when they ask) but whatever they say always seems to become a negative comment in my head. 

Whether they say they think I’m doing well, or whether they try to say I’m not eating well, I never feel comfortable. At the beginning of my problems I often just told those closest to me that I was “fine” and so by telling them I believed I was making life easier for myself. I guess I have, as I don’t have to cover it up completely, but from now on I am just going to accept what they say. 

“You seem to be doing well at the moment” – I will agree, regardless of what I think or feel.
“You seem to be having a hard time just now”- I will shrug it off. What is the point in confiding in people who don’t get it?!

Yesterday, one of my housemates (who has their own mental issues not to do with food) was, yet again, blabbing on about wanting to lose weight. She talks almost 24/7, often just chatting shit or not even making sense, and so she said “it’s like some people lose weight so easily, like their metabolism is really high. It’s so unfair how I don’t lose weight when I don’t eat, or you don’t lose weight…” So why exactly did my family all tell me multiple times when I went home that I’d lost weight?

I know she probably doesn’t even remember saying it, and I know that my body stats mean that I have lost, but it is just plain hurtful. She thinks my ed means she can get info about losing weight out of me. I lose weight by obsessively exercising and restricting my intake. It is a very simple formula that only struggles to work when you hit starvation. Your body would probably only stop losing from restriction at an underweight weight anyway. Her problem is that she knows sod all about what she eats. She is lying to herself about how much she has.

I am hurt by her comment, even though I know she is utterly crazy and talks crap quite a lot anyway (e.g she told me a girl we know is like really skinny but fat at the same time!! The girl is skinny, end of. ) I wish she would keep her thoughts about her own body and everyone else’s to herself. I don’t want to know what some teenager with adhd has to say.

Ran over.

Sick of it.

I went to cbt today (which focuses on the anxious and depressive thoughts I have) and she wants me to have higher intensity treatment.
She also said “obviously in terms of how are you , bmi and what have you, you wouldn’t fit the ed service criteria.”
Well. Screw the system then.
Anyone who reads this and is from the UK can hopefully testify that the nhs system for eating disorders basically waits until you are on deaths door to help you. My parents and gp went to a lot of effort to get me seen by them back home, even though I had an underweight bmi, felt like crap and lost my periods. Although I know the system usually only allows for the most physically affected patients, her saying this has caused me to feel fat and disgusting.
Since September I have lost most of the weight I regained through my “rapid recovery” , which was in fact just my ed developing into bulimia.
I have so much more to say about how hurt and stressed out I am, but I just can’t find the words to say it. It’s been going on too long, I want to reach my weight goal and be done with it.(I’m well aware my last sentence basically screams disorder as in realistic terms I won’t ever be happy,)but whatever, I’m just sick of it all.