Inside my mind at the moment there is a contest. I continue to be disordered, but I continue to want to be “normal”at the same time. I am unable to decide what I want to have happened by the end of the holidays: do I want to be tons thinner, or do I want to go back to where I am studying and say that I’ve done well to hold things stable for a while?
I have thought about it A LOT… and I don’t know.
I suppose that trying to decide the outcome is somewhat convoluted anyway, because ed’s will take their own path in the end, but still, I just wish I could be 100% comfortable with one of the options. The only problem I see with accepting my disordered behaviour and allowing it to continue, is that I feel so bad about how much I worry and hurt others. Following that trail of thought, I would be a selfish person if I didn’t fight for stability and recovery, right? But then I am not currently willing to let go of my ed. I’ve read other people’s posts about reaching a lower target weight and then gaining it back and starting again, and I too feel like I cannot permit myself to be fully recovered until it is “justified.” I know that is illogical, but that doesn’t seem to matter anymore..
“Know that you are your greatest enemy, but also your greatest friend.”
I just wrote about this over at my blog. On one hand I feel selfish for carrying on with ED and not doing all I can in recovery. On the other, people keep telling me it’s an illness and “not my fault.” But it’s certainly not fair to my loved ones if I can prevent the ED, and yet I choose not to. Ugh!
I know! Sometimes I wish I was in the initial phase of my ed, when I had no undertsanding of what I was doing or how it hurt others… it was definitely easier! I just hope (for myself and for you!) that the knowledge you gain from still suffering will eventually help recovery be more successful. 🙂