I don’t know my own body….?!

I look, obsess, analyse at it all the time, yet my perception of myself is constantly questioned by those around me. I feel my bones, I take every measurement I can, I perpetually compare myself to people, and so it is hard to believe that the view of my body I have created in my mind is wrong….

I have a notebook which I write in multiple times a day, in order to track food, body measurements and exercise etc.. it is my obsession. This evening I have got a new notebook and I have started writing in it (old one was full) which is what has got me looking back and thinking about how my body has changed.

Emotion-wise, today has been pretty rough. I was sat with my family in the pub for lunch. Nobody was making me eat, but my incredible hunger was fighting with my ed. I wanted to eat, but at the same time I wanted to stay empty. The hunger made me unable to think properly and the social eating scenario made me anxious before I even thought about maybe trying to eat something. I ran out and had a panic attack, then walked down the road with tears streaming down my face. I felt angry for not fighting the ed and eating- like I had let myself down, and I also felt hugely upset that my ed controls me so much. A lot of the time I’m able to imagine that I am in control of it, as I avoid so many situations which challenge its “rules.” It’s one thing when it leaves me feeling a state, but today was worse because my parents and siblings just had to sit there with me unable to form a sentence before I ran out. I just feel stupid I guess.

I don’t want a casual lunch with my family to be an impossible task; however I don’t want to confront the issues that make it one until I have justified it by losing more weight. A few months ago I was proud of myself for being able to understand and articulate my problems, but I don’t seem to be able to go any further than it. If I’m not doing anything positive with that knowledge then what the hell is the point?

I really couldn’t say whether or not I want to get better. Ambivalent isn’t even the word- as I know every ed sufferer feels that at times- I am just so utterly lost.

4 thoughts on “I don’t know my own body….?!

  1. I remember that so well–being lost, being hopeless, being confused, being stuck, and way more than I would like, I remember running out on family meals with tears streaming down my face, often screaming hysterically (and seeing out of the corner of my eye my parents exchange looks) and just how terrible it all was. Obviously I’m not totally better, but my life is INFINITELY better than it was. I don’t know what to offer you other than “you’re not alone” and “keep hope.” I would give you a hug if I could, sweet girl. Hang in there.

    • It just makes you feel like a child, which I’m not. When it comes to everything other than my ed, I am a logical, calm, bright person… shame that most of the time that bit is hidden! x

      • So true! Try not to forget that part inside of you! The two different parts can coexist for a while, as long as you want them to. That’s okay. Eventually when you want to recover you will have that calm, bright person inside of you to lead the way. You’ll make it.

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