I wish I knew what is going to happen..

So.. this week I have had some really exciting news (woo) and some pretty crappy news too. The therapist I’m seeing has said that part of her job is to do what is best for me, and apparently that might be referring me back to the ed specific service.. except that ISN’T better for me. They will be different people, in a different city to where I went to that service before AND my experience with them there was rubbish. I have always been the type who would cry as opposed to feel rage, but one person there flipped that on its head. Never in my whole life have I physically want to cause someone else pain- until I met one of the people I saw there. She made me literally want to scream and break everything in sight. Of course, that wasn’t an option, so I have pushed these feelings of absolute anger to the back of my mind.

I waited ages to be seen, got turned away, got worse, went back a year later, got 7 weeks of help and then got told to go it alone. I’m not even back in that service yet and I already feel like I must be not sick enough, not thin enough for them to want to help me.

I feel inadequate, again, just like I did before. I know deep down that my disorder is very much affecting my life and I would like and need to have a normal life. But I just cannot get over this hurdle of not feeling like it would be justified to change- especially when the ed service has limited time and could turn me away, essentially labelling me not severe enough for them. That is the last thing I need right now. If that were to happen, then I would continue into this ed, depressed, anxious cycle even more, and that is not something that needs encouraging.

I want to be thinner AND better at the same time. And the latter of those might only happen if I do the former thing first. The health system is basically asking me to get worse so I’m able to get what I need to get better.

Who the hell designed that?

 

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6 thoughts on “I wish I knew what is going to happen..

  1. It can be so frusterating to not know what is going to happen, or to think that things have to get worse before they get better. While this may naturally happen, being asked to get worse is so detrimental to the whole process. Just remember that if you have a disorder, you are sick enough to warrant treatment. Good luck.
    –JW

  2. Hi! I found your blog via recoveringanorexic – I’m not a lurker or a stalker, I promise! Just started blogging myself and looking for fellow sufferers to connect to. 🙂

    I’d just like to say that anger is often the best sign of a release – that something is triggering an emotional response in you – that something is working at challenging the ‘comfortable’ belief structures that ED sets up for you.

    • Hey! That is why I like blogging too, so I’m gonna check out yours after I’m done writing!
      I’ve never thought about anger like that, and I think my tendency to want to be compliant and keep everything inside is part of why I developed and ed in the first place. But, it is all a learning curve, and I have learned something about anger from that therapist, even if I learned little about recovering from my ed!

  3. I have the same feelings every day about the battle between letting go of the ED and living a “normal” life and actually not wanting to gain weight and recover. It’s difficult and something that we face constantly.
    You’re strong and inspired. Stay positive and go easy on yourself. We’re all rooting for you, xx

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