1/2 way mark.

Today is half way through my Easter break, but the last day of being at my parents house. I’m glad to be going tomorrow in a way, as I can get back to normality and get myself ready for the coming term.

It also means it is a year since I was in the middle of my first bulimic episode. Looking back on it I would say that anorexia is easier, as I’m much less anxious on a day to day basis and cry a bit less each day than I did at that point. Of course it goes without saying that things are by no means simple now either, but the time has allowed me to take a new perspective on this time last year.

When the binges and purging (usually a combination of laxatives and excessive exercise as I could rarely find an opportunity to be sick without being heard) began, I was totally and utterly ashamed. I have never been so embarrassed about anything in my life. I was having fortnightly gp appointments, which I cancelled for 4 months straight as I came to the belief that my eating disorder was gone and I had became fat and disgusting.

I have rarely felt as alone as I did during that time.

When I finally went back to the doctors I admitted to everything and felt huge relief that I had a) gone back without fainting with anxiety in the waiting room! and b) that I still had an eating disorder (sad but true.) The issue was that I badly wanted my anorexia back, so I lied to the ed professionals about what I was doing.

Although that phase was deifnitely bulimic, I believe that I was a reaction to the anorexia rather than a standalone illness if that makes sense. Occassioanlly I have a few days where it flips again, but I now know that that’s my body fighting against starvation.

Another year has passed. Another year which I have spent being eating disordered and largely unhappy. Maybe in another year I will be in a better place.

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2 thoughts on “1/2 way mark.

  1. Looking back on it I would say that anorexia is easier, as I’m much less anxious on a day to day basis and cry a bit less each day than I did at that point.

    Easier isn’t the word you’re looking for. No eating disorder is ever ‘easy’. I think the difference is that anorexia makes you ‘more numb’ to or ‘less aware’ of the psychological and physical damage that you are doing to yourself – as well as, of course, the fact that bulimia is far less socially desirable and/or accepted. Your ED just tells you it’s ‘easier’ because you’re (I assume) losing weight when you’re not in a b/p cycle.

    If you ever want to talk about bulimic episodes – hit me up. I’m a recovering bulimic.

    • I tried to reply to this comment from my phone but don’t think it posted, so i will go again!
      “Numb” is exactly the word I was going for. It is a different, more constant as opposed to ups and downs with bulimia. None of it is good, but they feel different and it’s only with hindsight I can see how differently I felt and behaved when experiencing the other one! x

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