Today is half way through my Easter break, but the last day of being at my parents house. I’m glad to be going tomorrow in a way, as I can get back to normality and get myself ready for the coming term.
It also means it is a year since I was in the middle of my first bulimic episode. Looking back on it I would say that anorexia is easier, as I’m much less anxious on a day to day basis and cry a bit less each day than I did at that point. Of course it goes without saying that things are by no means simple now either, but the time has allowed me to take a new perspective on this time last year.
When the binges and purging (usually a combination of laxatives and excessive exercise as I could rarely find an opportunity to be sick without being heard) began, I was totally and utterly ashamed. I have never been so embarrassed about anything in my life. I was having fortnightly gp appointments, which I cancelled for 4 months straight as I came to the belief that my eating disorder was gone and I had became fat and disgusting.
I have rarely felt as alone as I did during that time.
When I finally went back to the doctors I admitted to everything and felt huge relief that I had a) gone back without fainting with anxiety in the waiting room! and b) that I still had an eating disorder (sad but true.) The issue was that I badly wanted my anorexia back, so I lied to the ed professionals about what I was doing.
Although that phase was deifnitely bulimic, I believe that I was a reaction to the anorexia rather than a standalone illness if that makes sense. Occassioanlly I have a few days where it flips again, but I now know that that’s my body fighting against starvation.
Another year has passed. Another year which I have spent being eating disordered and largely unhappy. Maybe in another year I will be in a better place.