Putting on a front.

One of the things I find most difficult about how I currently feel is that I am living with people who don’t understand it. I decided to tell them about my disorder and how I feel day to day (when they ask) but whatever they say always seems to become a negative comment in my head. 

Whether they say they think I’m doing well, or whether they try to say I’m not eating well, I never feel comfortable. At the beginning of my problems I often just told those closest to me that I was “fine” and so by telling them I believed I was making life easier for myself. I guess I have, as I don’t have to cover it up completely, but from now on I am just going to accept what they say. 

“You seem to be doing well at the moment” – I will agree, regardless of what I think or feel.
“You seem to be having a hard time just now”- I will shrug it off. What is the point in confiding in people who don’t get it?!

Yesterday, one of my housemates (who has their own mental issues not to do with food) was, yet again, blabbing on about wanting to lose weight. She talks almost 24/7, often just chatting shit or not even making sense, and so she said “it’s like some people lose weight so easily, like their metabolism is really high. It’s so unfair how I don’t lose weight when I don’t eat, or you don’t lose weight…” So why exactly did my family all tell me multiple times when I went home that I’d lost weight?

I know she probably doesn’t even remember saying it, and I know that my body stats mean that I have lost, but it is just plain hurtful. She thinks my ed means she can get info about losing weight out of me. I lose weight by obsessively exercising and restricting my intake. It is a very simple formula that only struggles to work when you hit starvation. Your body would probably only stop losing from restriction at an underweight weight anyway. Her problem is that she knows sod all about what she eats. She is lying to herself about how much she has.

I am hurt by her comment, even though I know she is utterly crazy and talks crap quite a lot anyway (e.g she told me a girl we know is like really skinny but fat at the same time!! The girl is skinny, end of. ) I wish she would keep her thoughts about her own body and everyone else’s to herself. I don’t want to know what some teenager with adhd has to say.

Ran over.

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4 thoughts on “Putting on a front.

  1. I worked with some girls who would also never stop talking about wanting to lose weight. It bugged me so so much and in the end I stopped sitting with any of them. Because it hurt. I was of course restricting really badly and weight was shifting. One day I’d ordered something from the deli with everyone else as a treat. I hadn’t eaten much bar yoghurt all week, and I planned on eating parts of it throughout the day. Her comment was so distasteful I won’t repeat it, but that food went in the bin and I never ate all day. I wished I’d had the courage to say something in return to her. Or throw that butty in her face. But I didn’t. I hope I would speak my mind now. As I’ve learned so much about myself. Maybe you can learn to tell her to stop… to not talk about it in front of you. 🙂 x

    • Thank you for such a lovely comment! Glad I’m not alone. Ed’s are so misunderstood and it bugs me that people think it makes it acceptable for them to talk constantly about weight and food. She is someone who will never accept being wrong about anything, so I’m doing my best to remember that she talks nonsense half the time so didn’t mean anything… I should trust the observations of my family who know me much more closely to notice weight change. X

  2. Hi,

    I’ve been reading your blog and I can totally relate to most things you’ve been saying. I have anxiety and that caused me to have an eating disorder as well. Luckily I have a better relationship with myself and with food now but it is still something that I struggle with. But even today, when my family comments on my weight I get nervous and I hate it. I know exactly what it’s like to have a mental illness and having no one who can understand it at all, even when they really try to. What I found that really helps is talking to people who are going through the same things as us. At least for me, it made me feel a little less crazy especially because I was talking to people who could completely relate to what I was feeling.
    Unfortunately, there is no magical solution to feel 100% OK with ourselves but I believe that day by day, our positive choices will lead us down a path to at least a better and happier life. I hope you can continue making those choices, I know it’s a terribly hard road to follow!

    • Thank you so much for such a nice comment! My anxiety actually developed because of my ed, which is why I’m so certain I could be panic free once ed recovered.
      Feeling lonely is very tough, and my blog helps me know I’m not alone and it isn’t unheard of and crazy to think and behave as I do. I’m so happy for you that things are easier now than they were 🙂

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